Abel pulls his legs up onto the couch, tucking them tight to his chest and stares at his knees as he talks. It's easier if he doesn't look up.
"I've always had a rather vivid imagination. I think it felt safe, staying in my head because no one had to know what I was thinking. It helped, especially after I realized I was gay, since I didn't have to tell anyone, but I could imagine what it would be like without acting on it." He tightens his grip around his knees, resting his chin on them.
"My father's platform was rather conservative, so I couldn't come out without some kind of scandal. He said it would ruin his career, not that he approved anyway. But as I got older it started being more than just imagining holding someone's hand, I- I would see men around me and I wasn't exactly picky. I would fantasize about what it would be like to sleep with them, all the time. I never acted on it, even after I enlisted and was practically anonymous with the code name, it...didn't feel safe, but when I got assigned to Alexei he-" Abel takes in a breath, staring a hole into his pants.
"He came onto me, and I'd never had anyone express interest before. I felt like if I didn't, it would never happen, a-and I was desperate and lonely. But ever since then, I... I can barely bring myself to say no if someone asks, and the fantasies haven't let up at all. But I tried this last week, putting my foot down with the Cat King, but he just kept asking. It should be easy, it's one word, but... I couldn't keep it up."
And now here he sits, ashamed of himself and desperate for some kind of help because he can't honestly say he should continue to work as he has been if he can't make some kind of change now that someone who probably shouldn't knows.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"I've always had a rather vivid imagination. I think it felt safe, staying in my head because no one had to know what I was thinking. It helped, especially after I realized I was gay, since I didn't have to tell anyone, but I could imagine what it would be like without acting on it." He tightens his grip around his knees, resting his chin on them.
"My father's platform was rather conservative, so I couldn't come out without some kind of scandal. He said it would ruin his career, not that he approved anyway. But as I got older it started being more than just imagining holding someone's hand, I- I would see men around me and I wasn't exactly picky. I would fantasize about what it would be like to sleep with them, all the time. I never acted on it, even after I enlisted and was practically anonymous with the code name, it...didn't feel safe, but when I got assigned to Alexei he-" Abel takes in a breath, staring a hole into his pants.
"He came onto me, and I'd never had anyone express interest before. I felt like if I didn't, it would never happen, a-and I was desperate and lonely. But ever since then, I... I can barely bring myself to say no if someone asks, and the fantasies haven't let up at all. But I tried this last week, putting my foot down with the Cat King, but he just kept asking. It should be easy, it's one word, but... I couldn't keep it up."
And now here he sits, ashamed of himself and desperate for some kind of help because he can't honestly say he should continue to work as he has been if he can't make some kind of change now that someone who probably shouldn't knows.