Archer’s expression doesn’t change as hands over the file. His life is a complicated mess so even though part of him revolts at the idea of this, logically, he knows it’s the best way forward.
To the question, however…there’s a pause as he tries to figure out to put words together that make sense.
At length, he puffs out a soft breath.
“If all goes well, ultimately, I want my young ward to come here. But for myself…I was recently reminded that I have…triggers. And when certain things happen, the way my partner describes it, I get lost in my own head. He bears the brunt of those…episodes, such as they are. And even though he does not begrudge helping me, I do not want it to fall solely on his shoulders.”
He sets the file on his desk to read for later so he can really absorb it. For now, he focuses on the Archer in front of him, rather than the one in the file.
"Do you want to talk about a specific recent incident?"
He doesn’t, really, but he is smart enough to know that he’s not going to get anything out of this if he doesn’t put anything into it.
“…it came about as a result of the curses. I suspect I wasn’t affected by them because of what I am - but most of the people around me were, including my partner. By the time I ran into him, he’d already attacked multiple people. I had to subdue him, drag him down to Zero, and then try to keep the kitchen open and functioning when most of the staff were incapacitated. I don’t need to sleep so I wasn’t planning to take much of a break after that - but my partner insisted.”
Sheehan's dealt with far more stubborn people, but most of them don't willingly walk into his office.
"So you had to forcibly take your partner, who was already aggressive in a way you aren't used to from him, to Zero and then go about your business like normal, but alone and on guard?"
“I shut off my emotions. And it likely would have taken a while for me to fix that if my partner hadn’t insisted I spend some tine resting after all of it was over.”
He nods. "It sounds as if you're closing yourself off as a protection. Is there ever a time when it gets so severe that you don't recognize yourself or the things around you?"
“I read. I knit. Sometimes I bake. I have a cat, and she’s been helpful to me at times. I also have my partner, of course, and sometimes we go to the Enclosure or watch films together.”
“Because the noise, everything behind the…door I mentioned is still there. Worse sometimes than when I closed it. And stopping long enough to…do those things. Appreciate those things. Means I have open it.”
And then, it’s like there’s screaming inside his head.
"That takes a lot of effort," he observes, though there's a question to it as well. He never wants to put words in Archer's mouth, but he wants to ensure that he understands.
“My partner helped me through the last episode. And though I have had…worse moments…and have reacted worse to others trying to help me in the past… I would like to think I can…still learn how to manage things better.”
He’s never going to be completely all right. Archer simply can’t grasp the idea of any iteration of himself where he isn’t always dogged by his past to some degree. But he doesn’t want Godric to be the only thing that brings him back when he goes so far away.
"I think you can do that, Archer. I really do. I'd like to help you, if you do decide to come back. I think what we can work on is getting through your triggers, the environmental factors that happen just before. If we can start to work on stopping it before it happens, then that will help."
He writes in his book. "How often does this happen?"
"Events like those normally only occur once or twice a year. I'll have been here almost four years in a few months, and I can count on one hand how many times it's happened."
"No, I can't predict it. I meant...I have spent enough time thinking about each incident that I understand why I reacted the way I did in each case. In retrospect."
If he had the gift of foresight, avoiding these situations would be much easier.
"The Barge is unpredictable. There is no way to be completely prepared for things that happen here and how we will be affected by them."
"No, but recognizing when those triggers happen and preparing for them now can be helpful. It's a process, of course. And with it happening infrequently, it means you'll be able to get a lot of practice in before the next time."
He puts a hand on the file. "Next time, let's talk about what those specific triggers are for you. I want to be able to read this and understand what you're talking about, so why don't we break here?"
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To the question, however…there’s a pause as he tries to figure out to put words together that make sense.
At length, he puffs out a soft breath.
“If all goes well, ultimately, I want my young ward to come here. But for myself…I was recently reminded that I have…triggers. And when certain things happen, the way my partner describes it, I get lost in my own head. He bears the brunt of those…episodes, such as they are. And even though he does not begrudge helping me, I do not want it to fall solely on his shoulders.”
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He sets the file on his desk to read for later so he can really absorb it. For now, he focuses on the Archer in front of him, rather than the one in the file.
"Do you want to talk about a specific recent incident?"
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“…it came about as a result of the curses. I suspect I wasn’t affected by them because of what I am - but most of the people around me were, including my partner. By the time I ran into him, he’d already attacked multiple people. I had to subdue him, drag him down to Zero, and then try to keep the kitchen open and functioning when most of the staff were incapacitated. I don’t need to sleep so I wasn’t planning to take much of a break after that - but my partner insisted.”
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"So you had to forcibly take your partner, who was already aggressive in a way you aren't used to from him, to Zero and then go about your business like normal, but alone and on guard?"
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He says it without emotion. Just reporting the facts.
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He leans back, pen in hand, notebook in his lap, expertly turned away. Sheehan uses his own shorthand, but it's always good to be careful.
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“I shut off my emotions. And it likely would have taken a while for me to fix that if my partner hadn’t insisted I spend some tine resting after all of it was over.”
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“I would say it’s like locking something very loud behind a thick door. Close to sound proofed but not quite. So everything is there but muffled.”
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"You said that you got better with rest? What does rest look like for you?"
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“I read. I knit. Sometimes I bake. I have a cat, and she’s been helpful to me at times. I also have my partner, of course, and sometimes we go to the Enclosure or watch films together.”
Wholesome, old man things.
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“Because the noise, everything behind the…door I mentioned is still there. Worse sometimes than when I closed it. And stopping long enough to…do those things. Appreciate those things. Means I have open it.”
And then, it’s like there’s screaming inside his head.
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"So you need someone to help you through it now."
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“My partner helped me through the last episode. And though I have had…worse moments…and have reacted worse to others trying to help me in the past… I would like to think I can…still learn how to manage things better.”
He’s never going to be completely all right. Archer simply can’t grasp the idea of any iteration of himself where he isn’t always dogged by his past to some degree. But he doesn’t want Godric to be the only thing that brings him back when he goes so far away.
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He writes in his book. "How often does this happen?"
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A pause.
"I know why it happens, though."
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If he had the gift of foresight, avoiding these situations would be much easier.
"The Barge is unpredictable. There is no way to be completely prepared for things that happen here and how we will be affected by them."
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He puts a hand on the file. "Next time, let's talk about what those specific triggers are for you. I want to be able to read this and understand what you're talking about, so why don't we break here?"
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A pause.
“Do you want to call me or should I call you?”
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Archer rises from his chair.
“I apologize in advance for all the nonsense you’re going to have to read.”
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