"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
Abel stares at his hands, quietly rubbing his fingers against his palms as he thinks about that a minute.
It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
"Yes, well apparently serious people can also be incredibly dramatic." He says quietly, knowing that quite a few of the things they're touching on aren't the most rational.
"It isn't dramatic. Your feelings are valid, Abel. If it feels like everything, then it feels like everything. I'm just trying to make sure that's what you're feeling," he explains.
It's talk like that, the quiet validation that he isn't used to that gets him to quiet, frowning into his lap while he gathers himself.
"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
"Do you hear his voice in your head when you make decisions?" he wonders softly, not trying to pry any deeper than Abel is willing to go. His job here is to challenge and validate and help. So he's going to do his best.
That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
"That is a big change," he explains gently. "And - that's a lot that you have to deal with. You were young. Sometimes, we wrap our identities so tightly around one aspect of our lives that, when it changes, we think we've lost who we are. We have to rebuild, in a way."
"My plans had been to die fighting for the Alliance since I was twelve. I never really planned for any kind of future." The war had been his whole life. He'd devoted most of his time and effort into it even before he enlisted.
"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
"Not as important, or meaningful at all." He clarifies, "at least compared to what it was. I have zero direction, no plans and a question mark as far as my own future."
"I think I do...It's part of why I came here anyways." He leans back into the chair rather than sitting forward, pushing some hair out of his face.
"My father, he isn't a good person. Maybe he was at some point in time, but I never knew him to be, even as a child. It's...important to me that I offset that. That I'm separate, that I help people and prove him wrong. I was doing that in the Alliance rather than staying behind and following his plan for my life but that's no longer an option, so I came here to end the war in the only way left to me. Regardless of how strange or awful it can be it's a way to still do what I intended to do. That's important."
"It sounds like he was a key figure to you." He thinks a moment, quiet as he mulls about it. "But if we tie that back to your identity, do you think that you're striving to be someone, or striving not to be someone?"
"I was rather isolated by my own behavior and his position in the world congress. Even if I wanted someone else to fill the role he did, I didn't have any other options." Which is a rather round about way of begrudgingly admitting he agrees that he was despite how much he actively hates him.
The question has him once again frowning, "if I didn't believe you were invested in my mental health I might accuse you of attempting to crash my mood further." The tone is light though, a half-assed deflection to distract himself from the answer for a moment.
"But I have nightmares about that, waking up and realizing I've become my father, so I can't say it's the first option. I don't think its a particularly rational fear, but it is a driving force. A conscious decision, more so than wanting to be anyone. Being recognized for my efforts never earned my anything I actually wanted anyways."
Sheehan smiles, almost apologetically. However, he does not apologize.
"So how do you think you can help yourself through these times?" he wonders, trying to get Abel to think more about solutions. He likes those, Sheehan's noted, and he doesn't want him to walk away from this feeling like Sheehan hasn't given him anything.
Abel has been trying to think of solutions, but the issue of it being so tied up in who he has always been, it's difficult to find them.
"I... don't know." Which is at least testament to growth that he can admit that outloud without much protest. "There are lots of little problems that pool together to become behavioral problems and picking that apart, choosing an angle to try and attack this...it feels overwhelming."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Audio
He runs his fingers through his hair. "What happens if you start to think of things that go right?"
Re: Audio
"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
Re: Audio
"Why? What do you envision happening if you let go?"
Re: Audio
"I'm going to miss something important, or I won't be taken seriously, and everything I've done since I left will have amounted to nothing."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
"I used to. But I haven't seen him in over six years. At some point it just became my voice."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
"My father, he isn't a good person. Maybe he was at some point in time, but I never knew him to be, even as a child. It's...important to me that I offset that. That I'm separate, that I help people and prove him wrong. I was doing that in the Alliance rather than staying behind and following his plan for my life but that's no longer an option, so I came here to end the war in the only way left to me. Regardless of how strange or awful it can be it's a way to still do what I intended to do. That's important."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
The question has him once again frowning, "if I didn't believe you were invested in my mental health I might accuse you of attempting to crash my mood further." The tone is light though, a half-assed deflection to distract himself from the answer for a moment.
"But I have nightmares about that, waking up and realizing I've become my father, so I can't say it's the first option. I don't think its a particularly rational fear, but it is a driving force. A conscious decision, more so than wanting to be anyone. Being recognized for my efforts never earned my anything I actually wanted anyways."
Re: Audio
"So how do you think you can help yourself through these times?" he wonders, trying to get Abel to think more about solutions. He likes those, Sheehan's noted, and he doesn't want him to walk away from this feeling like Sheehan hasn't given him anything.
Re: Audio
"I... don't know." Which is at least testament to growth that he can admit that outloud without much protest. "There are lots of little problems that pool together to become behavioral problems and picking that apart, choosing an angle to try and attack this...it feels overwhelming."
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio
Re: Audio