Sheehan takes the paper and reads carefully, handing it back to him. "What do you think of, what do you feel, when you read this back to yourself?" he wonders.
He feels like he could tilt back into that frame of mind. Like it’s suddenly very, very close, when he can normally keep his own personal pain very far away.
It’s not quite as terrible as saying it- but it’s close.
It takes a moment for him to find the words…but he does answer this time.
“Shame.”
A simple, quiet statement.
“I managed a great deal of damage - and there would have been more had Kiryu not fought me and others had not managed to calm me down. If that had happened here, I would have been demoted - and rightfully so.”
"Shame. And when you think back on this recent incident? What do you think about? What do you feel?" Sheehan's starting to get a better picture of Archer here, and it extends far beyond these past few incidents.
Again, there is a pause. He’d never really gotten this far in his talks with Godric. If anything, he’d shown how he felt rather than talked about it.
He hates verbalizing these things, almost as much as he hates himself. But he signed up for this so he isn’t just going to walk out if there is a chance this can help him and possibly Florian.
He looks down at the paper and writes again.
I think that I am broken. Defective.
That my responses to these things are always wrong.
That only a monster could hurt people he care about as easily as I do.
He glances at the paper and nods, writing down a few notes.
"I can tell this is really occupying a lot of your thoughts. Moreso than the actual events that you've outlined with me." He places his hands in his lap. "Archer, there are thoughts in our head that are unproductive and generally wrong. They're called thought distortions. And - Archer, I see a lot of them with you. You're a clever man. A little cynical, but insightful. But I want you to start to work on the basics with me. Challenging those thoughts that lead to shame and grief. I think that's where we need to begin. What do you think?"
Sheehan doesn't argue the first point. Clearly they have an effect on him, and that's the important takeaway here.
"Challenging means that you are going to examine them and ask if they're actually true or not. So let's start with the first one."
And he deliberately says it aloud as he writes it on a new sheet of paper. "'I think I am defective. Broken.'"
He hands that back to Archer.
"Now you can write the answers down. First thing I want you to do is write down all of the emotions that you feel when you think about that statement."
Archer just…stares at the paper for a moment. And he tries - honestly tries - to think of how to answer that question.
He’s managed to field Sheehan’s queries thus far, but now, it’s very obvious that he’s hitting a wall.
“…there’s nothing to write down. It’s a statement. And I’ve known it since I was small even though I didn’t have the words for it. If there wasn’t something broken or wrong, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you.”
“I feel annoyed because you keep asking me about my emotions, and sometimes - as I said - I simply do not have an answer. I don’t even think I knew how to feel happy before coming to the Barge. And if I did know at one point, by the time I came here, I’d forgotten how.”
"Good," he says with an easy smile. "I know that's hard to admit, Archer. I really do. But annoyance is an emotion and that's good enough for today. Ready to take a break for today? I have homework for you before our next session."
"I'd like for you to be more mindful of your feelings. And when you get a thought like that, I want you to do like you did today, but in a place where I'm not pressuring you. Write down your feelings when you think that statement."
Sheehan nods. "I know. I don't get offended that easily. But the very fact that this is a difficult exercise for you means that we are on the right track. Healing doesn't feel good all of the time."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Finally, quietly, he asks: "Can I write it instead of saying it?"
He doesn't have a cohesive narrative for what he was thinking and feeling in those moments. So trying to explain it like that...is difficult.
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"Take your time."
And Sheehan will look to his own notes, giving Archer all the time in the world.
cw: suicidal ideation
He doesn’t even try to create any sort of narrative. He just makes notes on the paper, and when he’s done, he hands it back to Sheehan without a word.
anger
despair
loss
confined
empty
And beneath that, a few sentences:
I thought everything I had worked for was for nothing.
I did not think I would see anyone I cared about ever again.
I thought I would be sent back to the place I came from.
I wanted to die, and I didn’t care how many went with me.
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It’s not quite as terrible as saying it- but it’s close.
It takes a moment for him to find the words…but he does answer this time.
“Shame.”
A simple, quiet statement.
“I managed a great deal of damage - and there would have been more had Kiryu not fought me and others had not managed to calm me down. If that had happened here, I would have been demoted - and rightfully so.”
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He hates verbalizing these things, almost as much as he hates himself. But he signed up for this so he isn’t just going to walk out if there is a chance this can help him and possibly Florian.
He looks down at the paper and writes again.
I think that I am broken. Defective.
That my responses to these things are always wrong.
That only a monster could hurt people he care about as easily as I do.
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"I can tell this is really occupying a lot of your thoughts. Moreso than the actual events that you've outlined with me." He places his hands in his lap. "Archer, there are thoughts in our head that are unproductive and generally wrong. They're called thought distortions. And - Archer, I see a lot of them with you. You're a clever man. A little cynical, but insightful. But I want you to start to work on the basics with me. Challenging those thoughts that lead to shame and grief. I think that's where we need to begin. What do you think?"
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Because he represses the hell out of this shit most of the time. If he doesn’t think about it, it’s not a problem!!
“What does ‘challenging’ them entail?”
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"Challenging means that you are going to examine them and ask if they're actually true or not. So let's start with the first one."
And he deliberately says it aloud as he writes it on a new sheet of paper. "'I think I am defective. Broken.'"
He hands that back to Archer.
"Now you can write the answers down. First thing I want you to do is write down all of the emotions that you feel when you think about that statement."
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He’s managed to field Sheehan’s queries thus far, but now, it’s very obvious that he’s hitting a wall.
“…there’s nothing to write down. It’s a statement. And I’ve known it since I was small even though I didn’t have the words for it. If there wasn’t something broken or wrong, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you.”
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Clearly frustrated, he shakes his head.
“I can’t write something that isn’t there.”
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Because there's clearly something there. Some reaction.
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“I feel annoyed because you keep asking me about my emotions, and sometimes - as I said - I simply do not have an answer. I don’t even think I knew how to feel happy before coming to the Barge. And if I did know at one point, by the time I came here, I’d forgotten how.”
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“What kind of ‘homework’?”
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He tilts his head. "Just once."
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“…very well. I assume you want me to bring it next time?”
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And feelings in general. He feels like he’s going to get hives from talking so much about emotions.
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He tilts his head. "What did you expect when you came here?"
He's not accusing at all, merely curious.
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“I knew there would be some of it. But I did not know it would be all of it.”
That said-
“I am not criticizing it. I am just trying to understand it.”
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“Knowing what you know…you think I can change? Improve?”
Because even though he is commuting to Trying, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have Doubts.