Strange. And difficult. Not so much…identifying them when they happened since your definition was clear enough. I also asked myself before I wrote them down whether the people in my orbit would disagree with me if I said them out loud. If the answer to that question was ‘yes’, I made a note.
That part was simple enough. The difficult part was…attaching feelings to them.
[ Archer mulls that over for a moment before he responds. ]
A few reasons.
The first being that…the range of what I can feel has always been…limited. Things that made others happy did not make me happy. And I did not try to find anything that could have filled that emptiness.
[ No, he decided being a hero of justice was the best possible path. Which it obviously was not. ]
Beyond that…after I died, if I had not actively suppressed what I felt, I expect I would have lost my sanity entirely. There was no point in examining any of it because there was nothing that could be done about it, regardless.
So coming here has involved a very slow process of…stretching a very atrophied muscle.
[ All of this feels so odd, talking to an effective stranger about such personal matters. It takes him a moment to figure out how to proceed, but…he pushes through, regardless. ]
My partner and I have an open relationship. We both agreed to this early on, with the understanding that we could see other people if we chose, while still being committed to each other.
I have not taken advantage of this because I find it…difficult. To open myself to other people in that way. My partner finds it much easier, but that is…one of the things I appreciate about him.
[ Godric is free with his affections in a way Archer very much isn’t. He opens the journal to the relevant page — one of the first entries. ]
Not long after our last appointment, he was telling me about someone he liked well enough to take as a partner. Knowing the person myself, I had no objections. But then my partner…mentioned to me…that this third person also liked me in the same way he likes me. [ A beat. ] I did not react well.
We talked through it, but the same thought I had when he introduced the idea to me has persisted. And I had to spend a great deal of time on this entry.
[ He pushes it over to Sheehan, and as he said, the page is date. It reads as follows: ]
Thought: I don’t deserve kindness from others.
Why? Because I have done terrible things. Because I still hate myself. Because I never thought I mattered and still don’t, even though the people in my orbit would protest to the contrary.
Feelings fear of gaining and then losing fear of causing hurt or being hurt in turn general dislike for vulnerability of any kind
[Sheehan has nothing but understanding for this situation, and while the feelings aren't the same, the hesitation is. Or...was, in his case.
He reads over the entry a few times and then sits back.]
Alright. So now let's challenge that thought. That - you don't deserve kindness from others. The dislike for vulnerability also comes from a fear, doesn't it? So there is a lot of fear wrapped up in receiving kindness.
[ Archer leans back in his chair, and there’s a brief shadow that crosses over his face. ]
I’m sure you recall from my file that I spent a great deal of my life…trying to do good things for others. A great personal expense. And for my trouble, I was not repaid in kind.
[ Being used and betrayed and then used and re-traumatized ad infinitum left a great deal of scarring. He’s self—aware enough to know that. ]
But even before that…I did not have much luck with relationships. The first one I had was a mess, and the next one…I don’t even remember it, really. Who the person was, what they looked like.
All I know with certainty is that I walked away from it.
Things are different here with the partner I have now, but…there was a significant learning curve. And…a significant amount of hurt, at one point. Which I actually felt the need to remove myself from the Barge over lest some of it…spill over and cause collateral damage of some kind.
It has been resolved since then, but I am not…graceful. About things like this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Did you? How was that experience for you?
no subject
Strange. And difficult. Not so much…identifying them when they happened since your definition was clear enough. I also asked myself before I wrote them down whether the people in my orbit would disagree with me if I said them out loud. If the answer to that question was ‘yes’, I made a note.
That part was simple enough. The difficult part was…attaching feelings to them.
no subject
That's a very good filter you made. But the feelings - why do you think that is? That it's so difficult?
no subject
A few reasons.
The first being that…the range of what I can feel has always been…limited. Things that made others happy did not make me happy. And I did not try to find anything that could have filled that emptiness.
[ No, he decided being a hero of justice was the best possible path. Which it obviously was not. ]
Beyond that…after I died, if I had not actively suppressed what I felt, I expect I would have lost my sanity entirely. There was no point in examining any of it because there was nothing that could be done about it, regardless.
So coming here has involved a very slow process of…stretching a very atrophied muscle.
no subject
[He gestures to the notebook.]
But I think it's a great start that you're putting in the effort. Do you want to pick something out of there to talk through?
no subject
There is something I've been thinking about a great deal.
Although...before I show you what I have, I think some context would be helpful.
no subject
no subject
My partner and I have an open relationship. We both agreed to this early on, with the understanding that we could see other people if we chose, while still being committed to each other.
I have not taken advantage of this because I find it…difficult. To open myself to other people in that way. My partner finds it much easier, but that is…one of the things I appreciate about him.
[ Godric is free with his affections in a way Archer very much isn’t. He opens the journal to the relevant page — one of the first entries. ]
Not long after our last appointment, he was telling me about someone he liked well enough to take as a partner. Knowing the person myself, I had no objections. But then my partner…mentioned to me…that this third person also liked me in the same way he likes me. [ A beat. ] I did not react well.
We talked through it, but the same thought I had when he introduced the idea to me has persisted. And I had to spend a great deal of time on this entry.
[ He pushes it over to Sheehan, and as he said, the page is date. It reads as follows: ]
Thought: I don’t deserve kindness from others.
Why?
Because I have done terrible things.
Because I still hate myself.
Because I never thought I mattered and still don’t, even though the people in my orbit would protest to the contrary.
Feelings
fear of gaining and then losing
fear of causing hurt or being hurt in turn
general dislike for vulnerability of any kind
no subject
He reads over the entry a few times and then sits back.]
Alright. So now let's challenge that thought. That - you don't deserve kindness from others. The dislike for vulnerability also comes from a fear, doesn't it? So there is a lot of fear wrapped up in receiving kindness.
no subject
I’m sure you recall from my file that I spent a great deal of my life…trying to do good things for others. A great personal expense. And for my trouble, I was not repaid in kind.
[ Being used and betrayed and then used and re-traumatized ad infinitum left a great deal of scarring. He’s self—aware enough to know that. ]
But even before that…I did not have much luck with relationships. The first one I had was a mess, and the next one…I don’t even remember it, really. Who the person was, what they looked like.
All I know with certainty is that I walked away from it.
Things are different here with the partner I have now, but…there was a significant learning curve. And…a significant amount of hurt, at one point. Which I actually felt the need to remove myself from the Barge over lest some of it…spill over and cause collateral damage of some kind.
It has been resolved since then, but I am not…graceful. About things like this.
no subject
Sometimes our patterns lie to us, especially when we've experienced growth.
I think you're falling into some black and white thinking, though. Giving yourself a label that might not actually fit.
no subject
Could you explain that further?
[ He thinks he knows what Sheehan means, but hearing it in more concrete, detailed terms…will help. ]
no subject
'Deserve' is an extreme word. You either deserve or you don't.
no subject
I listed reasons why I think that.
Reasons that…have been with me for a very long time.
[ He seems to struggle to find words for a moment before pushing through it. ]
I know people in my life would not agree. With any of it. But I can’t seem to…logic thoughts like that…into something else.
no subject
Tell me why they wouldn't agree.
no subject
[ A matter of fact answer. ]
They are not seeing me from my perspective. They are seeing me from their own.
no subject
They are. Does that make their perspective less valid?
no subject
I didn’t say that.
no subject
I didn't say you did. It was a question.