I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Ciel yet, aside from what he's placed on the network. And Katie - well, I see that Vincent has her well in hand now, but she's quite wild, from what I've seen.
[He takes the cup from her and adds just a hint of sugar.]
I understand. It was a terrible thing that he did, and I don't want to sugarcoat it by saying that it wasn't. What he did was not okay and he knows that now.
[Sheehan hesitates, warring with himself over the fact that this is his patient's life, the person he's supposed to protect by not spilling his secrets...and the fact that Max had wanted this to be said.]
But Max is - deeply traumatized. For years, his entire life, he was told that he was only good for one thing: hurting people. His own parents told him that. Over and over again. No other part of himself mattered except that.
The method in which he hurt the people here was one that was given to him by an entity that is essentially a god. He was made to do this over and over and over again, reinforcing the lessons that his parents had taught him.
So yes, it was a monstrous thing. Yes, it was awful. But he was only doing what he had been told to do, and there has never been anyone who showed him anything different.
Regret is not what we're going for, Aerith. Not yet. That will come later.
[He tilts his head.]
That's hard for a lot of people to understand, and that's why, I think, my decision to keep the punishment light was unpopular.
Max gets a lot of his information from the television, from shows he's seen. He's trying to cobble together some sort of new life in the span of - less than a month.
[Sheehan doesn't react outwardly to Aerith's words at first, but he does set his tea cup down.]
Aerith, if we start comparing inmates to inmates, then we're going to all suffer a headache. What Max needs is not what anyone else needs, and to compare him is unfair.
I am - it sickens me to think of what he did to those people. Some of them are my friends. They have their own paths to healing, even though they claim that they've forgiven him. But I stand by my reaction to Max and how this is being handled.
[Sheehan doesn't sound angry or upset. He's not mad at Aerith at all.
But he is very, very tired as he looks away.]
And I'm not interested in defending my methods, yet again, to someone else. I'm sorry, Aerith. I'm just not.
Mr. Collins and I have had a pretty shitty relationship from the start, especially after he chose to blow me up with a grenade and then taunt me about it.
I tried to give him grace, but he continuously spit in my face about it. Don't waste your breath on my behalf, Aerith. Please.
And you can tell me what Trevor said. I'm sure it was something along the lines of just letting Max roam around and do whatever he wants while his victims were treated like cattle?
[She winces. She knows Collins had done pretty shitty things but...that was pretty awful.]
I won't then.
As for Trevor...there was some of that. But he was also... he spoke of not letting evil roam free, and how he couldn't live with himself if he did nothing in the face of it.
And that right there is his folly. He sees bad people, people who are victims themselves, as evil.
[He shakes his head, jaw clenched.]
That is what I hate here, Aerith. Every single person who comes here, every single inmate, deserves a chance. And so what did Trevor teach him except that he is evil and irredeemable because the people who are supposed to protect him attacked him, even when all he did was defend himself.
[He sits back.]
I know he's a friend of yours, Aerith, but what he did was cruel.
Trevor may be a friend of mine, but it doesn't make him less of an idiot or incapable of mistakes.
[She sighed, long and low.]
Or cruelty. I'm not agreeing with him in the least.
...actually Sheehan, do you mind if I tell you something in confidence? Most people in my world know of this but...I hope this may explain some of my own thought process.
But - Aerith. I'm sorry you've been struggling. I really am. I don't mind listening to you if that helps, but what can I do to help? Would you like me to be with you when you talk to Yunlan? I don't want you to feel like you don't have a voice to say your feelings.
You don't get to decide if I am bothered or not. You don't get to make that choice of me or of Yunlan. You deserve to be heard by someone. Me. Yunlan. Someone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Audio
[Her voice is teasing, but she grows serious as she pulls things out of the basket.]
I wanted to check in with you. I know you have a great support network but...
I want to hear your thoughts on Max and Katie. And Ciel, if you've spoken to him.
Re: Audio
And Max.
Well.
[He smiles.] What do you want to know?
Re: Audio
[Her voice was fond, even as she opened the thermos, and offered Sheehan a cup.]
I want to know what he's like. I want to understand why he did what he did, from your point of view.
Because that was....a lot, Sheehan. I can't lie.
Re: Audio
I understand. It was a terrible thing that he did, and I don't want to sugarcoat it by saying that it wasn't. What he did was not okay and he knows that now.
[Sheehan hesitates, warring with himself over the fact that this is his patient's life, the person he's supposed to protect by not spilling his secrets...and the fact that Max had wanted this to be said.]
But Max is - deeply traumatized. For years, his entire life, he was told that he was only good for one thing: hurting people. His own parents told him that. Over and over again. No other part of himself mattered except that.
The method in which he hurt the people here was one that was given to him by an entity that is essentially a god. He was made to do this over and over and over again, reinforcing the lessons that his parents had taught him.
So yes, it was a monstrous thing. Yes, it was awful. But he was only doing what he had been told to do, and there has never been anyone who showed him anything different.
Re: Audio
It was far warmer than the warmer thoughts of what is going in her mind.]
It's funny. When I hear that, I'm reminded of someone here.
I'm reminded of Sephiroth.
[She stared at her cup. She has been thinking of him a lot lately. Him and Cloud.]
Two men who have been deeply traumatized, who were praised for their violence.
Which, to me...I know I'm bringing in my bias. And I'm not saying Max doesn't deserve a chance.
Or that he should be punished, exactly. I'm just...curious how he's expressing his regrets. I'd think he'd be confused that violence isn't thr answer.
Re: Audio
[He tilts his head.]
That's hard for a lot of people to understand, and that's why, I think, my decision to keep the punishment light was unpopular.
Max gets a lot of his information from the television, from shows he's seen. He's trying to cobble together some sort of new life in the span of - less than a month.
Re: Audio
[She sighs, and shakes her head.]
I really don't understand. What it looks like, to me, that you are trying to shield him.
Which...is not completely a bad thing. But he's not the only person who has come in trying to come together from the ground up.
And...people died. They suffered. And if he isn't completely without empathy, he is too.
He's never been in a situation like this- where there are people who he didn't have to hurt, but he did. Which means...
Is this helping him? Isn't it just avoiding everything?
Re: Audio
Aerith, if we start comparing inmates to inmates, then we're going to all suffer a headache. What Max needs is not what anyone else needs, and to compare him is unfair.
I am - it sickens me to think of what he did to those people. Some of them are my friends. They have their own paths to healing, even though they claim that they've forgiven him. But I stand by my reaction to Max and how this is being handled.
[Sheehan doesn't sound angry or upset. He's not mad at Aerith at all.
But he is very, very tired as he looks away.]
And I'm not interested in defending my methods, yet again, to someone else. I'm sorry, Aerith. I'm just not.
Re: Audio
[She shook her head. Not at him or negation, just...she's tired.]
I can talk to him if you'd like.
And I am sorry for...acting as if I know better. I...
Do feel like a bit of a coward, and not a great warden about all of this. Especially after talking to Trevor with what he did, and why he did it.
Which I don't think you'd want to hear.
Re: Audio
Mr. Collins and I have had a pretty shitty relationship from the start, especially after he chose to blow me up with a grenade and then taunt me about it.
I tried to give him grace, but he continuously spit in my face about it. Don't waste your breath on my behalf, Aerith. Please.
And you can tell me what Trevor said. I'm sure it was something along the lines of just letting Max roam around and do whatever he wants while his victims were treated like cattle?
Re: Audio
I won't then.
As for Trevor...there was some of that. But he was also... he spoke of not letting evil roam free, and how he couldn't live with himself if he did nothing in the face of it.
Or go back to his family.
Re: Audio
And that right there is his folly. He sees bad people, people who are victims themselves, as evil.
[He shakes his head, jaw clenched.]
That is what I hate here, Aerith. Every single person who comes here, every single inmate, deserves a chance. And so what did Trevor teach him except that he is evil and irredeemable because the people who are supposed to protect him attacked him, even when all he did was defend himself.
[He sits back.]
I know he's a friend of yours, Aerith, but what he did was cruel.
Re: Audio
[She sighed, long and low.]
Or cruelty. I'm not agreeing with him in the least.
...actually Sheehan, do you mind if I tell you something in confidence? Most people in my world know of this but...I hope this may explain some of my own thought process.
Re: Audio
[He doesn't want to force her.]
CW: death, mind control
[She is quiet for a long few moments.]
Sephiroth killed me.
Not here. But at home. He jumped down behind me, and ran me through with his sword.
I came here when I died.
And...I learned...he had been trying to force Cloud, one of my closest friends to kill me before he decided to take action with mind control.
He's been here for years, Sheehan. And he's close to the men I love and...
There's little I can do about it without looking like the villain.
Re: CW: death, mind control
[He picks the cup up again.]
What would you do?
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I haven't known what to do for months. And I have no idea what to do.
If I make this public knowledge, or tried to isolate him socially...it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't help.
I just...wish he would apologize.
If I could...I'd just press him for that. A sincere apology.
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I think that's a fair ask, Aerith.
Have you talked to Yunlan about it?
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He's been distracted with his partner leaving. And before...I don't know.
I like him, but. I don't know the work he's put in.
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I don't know, Aerith. I would start with him, actually.
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But I think that's why I'm struggling, personally with...everything these past few weeks.
Plus the alarms.
[Those gave her some monster headaches at least a couple of mornings.]
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[He grumbles about it as he grumbled during.]
But - Aerith. I'm sorry you've been struggling. I really am. I don't mind listening to you if that helps, but what can I do to help? Would you like me to be with you when you talk to Yunlan? I don't want you to feel like you don't have a voice to say your feelings.
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A warden. He's had it rough.
[She's not going to defend Thrawn, even if she understands his mind on the matter. She's been placing silence spells every morning.
Plus she cried at him the first morning, so he knows he messed up.]
I'm sorry Sheehan. I didn't mean to- make this personal.
It's...fine. I mean, it's not fine but- you're already busy. So is Yunlan. He doesn't need to hear this.
I shouldn't have bothered you with this. I'm really sorry.
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You don't get to decide if I am bothered or not. You don't get to make that choice of me or of Yunlan. You deserve to be heard by someone. Me. Yunlan. Someone.
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[She shook her head, and made to stand up.]
The idea of- all of that for my ego- I'm not comfortable with it.
I'm okay, Sheehan. I'm being dramatic.
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