He sees that look and smiles. "I can walk you through it this time, but you have to slow down your thoughts to match my words. Sometimes that's easier to do when you say it aloud."
"That's what we're trying to work on," he reminds Abel. Making things easier like this.
"Alright. Let's start low and work our way up. Close your eyes and focus everything you have on your feet. Your right foot. Your right toe. What does it feel like right now?"
He does so, pressing his little toe to the floor. At first it's light, but if he presses harder it engages more of his foot, he can feel it in his calf.
"Pressure. And connection. I couldn't tell you which muscles specifically I'm engaging but there are more of them involved than one would think for something so simple."
His eyebrows scrunch together as he fights back some frustration. "It's just there. I feel my foot more as a whole than my ankle. It loose, and flexible." Structurally he appreciates it, the weight it can hold while also being able to pivot so many different weighs, but the feel of it isn't so impressive.
He's been sitting rather oddly, but once it's pointed out he tries to uncurl himself from his rather defensive position, stretching his legs out in front of him.
"It isn't uncomfortable...I tend to do a lot of stretching, so it's fine." At the very least he isn't fidgeting. It seems the sit still part of the exercise doesn't both himself in the least, but his tone is slowly edging towards frustration.
Sheehan laughs. "Alright, I'll spare you the rest. I think you get the idea of it, but it is easier to do on your own, even if you feel ridiculous. But - what weren't you thinking about?"
He isn't sure he liked it, seeing as it made him feel frustrated and silly, but he can admit at least one thing, "I...wasn't thinking about sex, or my personal failings." He was just angry that he had to think about his god damn toe for a few minutes.
"Am I able to swap the subject matter out? Like, if I was holding my cat for example, I- It feels weird being so thoughtful about my own body, at least that specifically. I try to be mindful of it when I'm working out, but it definitely isn't anything like that."
"That's actually the next exercise I was going to suggest. Focus outwardly,
but it needs to be something you can do anywhere. Instead of your body,
focus on your senses. Five things you can see in whatever space you're in.
Five things you can touch around you, cat inlcuded. Five things you can
taste - or recall tasting, since that's a hard one. Five things you can
smell."
Abel tries his best not to make a face, or at least show even more his distaste for the suggestion, but that doesn't mean he won't try it next time he's able. "That seems simple enough. We...probably don't need to go over that one so thoroughly."
"No, we don't. But I want you to try it, Abel. Try it once, when you're starting to feel your mind want to go somewhere else. And then come see me again. If it doesn't work, then we can do other things, too. But this is something you can do anywhere," he explains.
He nods, even if he is doubtful it will work. "Alright. I will. Is-" a breath, trying to fix his tone and not sound quite so frustrated, "was that it then? My homework until next time."
"I don't know...I guess I just am impatient to fix myself. There's a lot of sitting and waiting on myself to get with the program that I wish didn't exist..." working on yourself isn't like learning a new skill from a text book and that sucks, truly.
"If you gave me a twelve step program all at once instead of tackling each little thing at a time...but I don't think it really works like that, does it?"
"This isn't a program. This is your mind. This is - years and years of habits and behaviors that you want to retrain. This is - something important, Abel. And I want to make sure that you have it right, okay? And that you're comfortable with it. But one step at a time is good enough," he assures him.
"One step at a time feels too slow," Because he feels like since he got here the problem has escalated despite trying to be mindful of it. Perhaps its the freedom, the separation from home that is making it so much easier to let go and give into things he probably shouldn't, but regardless there is an urgency that he feels isn't being acknowledged.
And maybe that's because there is Alexei, and all the stress he's put him through lately, that he feels like any more is too much, but he has no idea what to do with that, or how to say that without sounding too dramatic.
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"I...guess go ahead, I'll repeat after you?"
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"Alright. Let's start low and work our way up. Close your eyes and focus everything you have on your feet. Your right foot. Your right toe. What does it feel like right now?"
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"It's just there...if I focus on it too much I feel the urge to press it down into the floor to make this less boring, more engaging."
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"Pressure. And connection. I couldn't tell you which muscles specifically I'm engaging but there are more of them involved than one would think for something so simple."
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He isn't sure what else to say about it.
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"It isn't uncomfortable...I tend to do a lot of stretching, so it's fine." At the very least he isn't fidgeting. It seems the sit still part of the exercise doesn't both himself in the least, but his tone is slowly edging towards frustration.
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"Am I able to swap the subject matter out? Like, if I was holding my cat for example, I- It feels weird being so thoughtful about my own body, at least that specifically. I try to be mindful of it when I'm working out, but it definitely isn't anything like that."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"That's actually the next exercise I was going to suggest. Focus outwardly, but it needs to be something you can do anywhere. Instead of your body, focus on your senses. Five things you can see in whatever space you're in. Five things you can touch around you, cat inlcuded. Five things you can taste - or recall tasting, since that's a hard one. Five things you can smell."
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"If you gave me a twelve step program all at once instead of tackling each little thing at a time...but I don't think it really works like that, does it?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
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And maybe that's because there is Alexei, and all the stress he's put him through lately, that he feels like any more is too much, but he has no idea what to do with that, or how to say that without sounding too dramatic.
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