"I don't know...I guess I just am impatient to fix myself. There's a lot of sitting and waiting on myself to get with the program that I wish didn't exist..." working on yourself isn't like learning a new skill from a text book and that sucks, truly.
"If you gave me a twelve step program all at once instead of tackling each little thing at a time...but I don't think it really works like that, does it?"
"This isn't a program. This is your mind. This is - years and years of habits and behaviors that you want to retrain. This is - something important, Abel. And I want to make sure that you have it right, okay? And that you're comfortable with it. But one step at a time is good enough," he assures him.
"One step at a time feels too slow," Because he feels like since he got here the problem has escalated despite trying to be mindful of it. Perhaps its the freedom, the separation from home that is making it so much easier to let go and give into things he probably shouldn't, but regardless there is an urgency that he feels isn't being acknowledged.
And maybe that's because there is Alexei, and all the stress he's put him through lately, that he feels like any more is too much, but he has no idea what to do with that, or how to say that without sounding too dramatic.
It takes him a moment to figure out how he wants to answer that, slowly petting Alex as he mulls over the words.
"It's affecting my relationships, the ones that are important to me, and I don't want them to feel like I'm not taking this, or how it's affecting them seriously. There's always a point where it's too much, and I don't want to find out where that is while I'm taking my time figuring out how to fix myself."
"People understand that this sort of thing is a process," he assures him. "They know that you can't change immediately. If you could, then it wouldn't be so important. This is a big first step. An important first step."
And while it's important, is it enough? He's put more effort into work at home than this. Is it healthy to let this consume him and his personal life? Probably not, but he feels like that's what it should look like if he wants too prove he's serious about it.
"Alright...thank you, Doctor. We can pick this back up next time then?"
He nods, standing himself though a little more slowly as he's displacing Alex. He'll take his hand and give a decent handshake, no fronting involved, "Sounds like a plan. I'll let you know if something else comes up. Fitz is generally fine, but you never can know what will happen and he comes first."
He takes a moment, just about to walk him to the door when he adds, "Sorry, if...I seem like I'm not grateful. I appreciate your help."
That gets a soft laugh as he walks towards the door.
"Abel, if I wanted gratitude, then I went to the entirely wrong profession. I want you to be able to face the day better. To cope better. To learn. That may mean that you fight me sometimes, and that's okay. I'll still be here. There's no need to be grateful." He steps out the door.
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Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"If you gave me a twelve step program all at once instead of tackling each little thing at a time...but I don't think it really works like that, does it?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
And maybe that's because there is Alexei, and all the stress he's put him through lately, that he feels like any more is too much, but he has no idea what to do with that, or how to say that without sounding too dramatic.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"It's affecting my relationships, the ones that are important to me, and I don't want them to feel like I'm not taking this, or how it's affecting them seriously. There's always a point where it's too much, and I don't want to find out where that is while I'm taking my time figuring out how to fix myself."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"Alright...thank you, Doctor. We can pick this back up next time then?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"Next time. One week, barring any strangeness on the side of the Admiral. I'd like to see you weekly, if possible."
He stands and extends his hand.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
He takes a moment, just about to walk him to the door when he adds, "Sorry, if...I seem like I'm not grateful. I appreciate your help."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
"Abel, if I wanted gratitude, then I went to the entirely wrong profession. I want you to be able to face the day better. To cope better. To learn. That may mean that you fight me sometimes, and that's okay. I'll still be here. There's no need to be grateful." He steps out the door.