"That's not why I asked," he returns gently, "When he arrived, it didn't feel right to tell anyone our shared history without asking permission. I already told him he can tell who he wants and if he's told you, I don't have to make a call. That's all."
"Thebes was what Alexei was recruited for, if he's told you about his time in the Alliance then it's fine." He's not sharing major beats that Alexei hasn't already shared himself.
"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.
"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."
He nods along because that is what Alexei has told him, once upon a time. He leans back, his legs crossed as he listens.
"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"
Abel sits for a moment, trying to piece together all of the reasons why, there are quite a few of them. "For one, he asked me to come to him first when I had problems that involved him before, and I didn't. I can go into the whole of why if you'd like me to, but...I figured he'd be upset, because I didn't know how much he knew it affected me, and I was...concerned. The thought was if I told him, he might question what part of how I felt was real, and what part of it was the jump drive compelling me to feel that way." Which is the simplest way he can put it.
Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."
Well that certainly makes sense. "When we started having problems recently, I think it's fair to say that's why it started...I spent months trying to figure out how to have a conversation with him, so maybe he wouldn't be so upset with me, but I'd spent so much time thinking about it that when I got to it I forgot important details and questions. Like the conversations I had with myself had actually happened with him instead." It truly was a disaster.
"I used to be in control, was confident in how things were supposed to work, but that changed so suddenly, I haven't really been the same since. But Alexei was still there. I...think if he wasn't, none of what happened to me, to us? I couldn't say 'at least it gave me you' and that would be too much..."
"Again, Abel, that sounds exhausting. Even with your enhancements, even with everything you can do, that's a long time to spend worrying about something," he says, leaning forward. And he knows that Alexei is - head over heels in love with Abel, but it doesn't matter what he says right now. That's not the important part.
"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
Abel stares at his hands, quietly rubbing his fingers against his palms as he thinks about that a minute.
It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
"Yes, well apparently serious people can also be incredibly dramatic." He says quietly, knowing that quite a few of the things they're touching on aren't the most rational.
"It isn't dramatic. Your feelings are valid, Abel. If it feels like everything, then it feels like everything. I'm just trying to make sure that's what you're feeling," he explains.
It's talk like that, the quiet validation that he isn't used to that gets him to quiet, frowning into his lap while he gathers himself.
"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
"Do you hear his voice in your head when you make decisions?" he wonders softly, not trying to pry any deeper than Abel is willing to go. His job here is to challenge and validate and help. So he's going to do his best.
That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
"That is a big change," he explains gently. "And - that's a lot that you have to deal with. You were young. Sometimes, we wrap our identities so tightly around one aspect of our lives that, when it changes, we think we've lost who we are. We have to rebuild, in a way."
"My plans had been to die fighting for the Alliance since I was twelve. I never really planned for any kind of future." The war had been his whole life. He'd devoted most of his time and effort into it even before he enlisted.
"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
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"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.
"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."
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"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"
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Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."
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"It sounds like all of this is wrapped up in your fear of losing him."
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"I used to be in control, was confident in how things were supposed to work, but that changed so suddenly, I haven't really been the same since. But Alexei was still there. I...think if he wasn't, none of what happened to me, to us? I couldn't say 'at least it gave me you' and that would be too much..."
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"I...I know it is. I just couldn't stop. The more I thought about it, the more I came up with more things that could go wrong."
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He runs his fingers through his hair. "What happens if you start to think of things that go right?"
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"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
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It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
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"Why? What do you envision happening if you let go?"
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"I'm going to miss something important, or I won't be taken seriously, and everything I've done since I left will have amounted to nothing."
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"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
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"I used to. But I haven't seen him in over six years. At some point it just became my voice."
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That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
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"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
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