[His eyes flicks up when he senses the tension abruptly ramp up again, and then he keeps his gaze down at his mug.]
You're certainly not the first person to have one. Not even the first in this room. There's nothing wrong with- with getting overwhelmed. It's perfectly human.
[Softly. He's very fond of John and since he's not trying to hide that fact, it's written all over his face. He finally picks up the tea and settles into the corner of the couch with it, taking a sip.
Evidently plain black tea is perfectly fine with him.]
... It's gonna happen again, isn't it. [If it was just the one panic attack he might not think so, but this is an escalation over months. He keeps his eyes on his drink as he speaks, not really wanting to meet either of their eyes.] Am I just fucking stuck with that happening to me now?
[Arthur's gaze flicks over Alexei's head, to give Sheehan a warm look.]
In my personal experience with them, it became a matter of... learning what it was that was setting me off. It wasn't foolproof, of course, sometimes I still... fall into old habits. I let my emotions get the better of me. But knowing where those emotions are coming from makes a real difference.
As utterly horrific as the idea feels, sometimes you do have to sit with yourself for a while to actually study your thoughts and emotions. Not everyone's so lucky as to have partners to point it out for them.
But you do have friends who can help. [He is glad to be one of them.] And in the meantime, there are ways, like I said, to work through it while it happens.
[He's quiet for a bit after that. Sipping at his tea, thinking, mulling over what he wants to say and how much he wants to say. Sheehan is a friend that he trusts. Arthur is... new, but seems to get it.
Alexei pushes a soft breath out through his nose.]
[That makes Arthur looks back at Alexei again, tilting his head slightly.]
I've been an inmate myself. I know how suffocating this place can feel when you don't have an out like wardens do, or when wardens act... out of turn. Out of line. But none of it will ever feel within your control if you just sit on it assuming no-one else sees the cracks.
[Not even the system in place which, by his own observation, is entirely arbitrary and he has no idea what he's supposed to do to pass through it even if he actually wanted to try to play along.]
When the Admiral is playing his monthly headfuck games and most of the wardens are just as screwed in the head as the inmates are, if not worse. [He looks like he wants to move, get rid of some restless energy, but he stays fixed where he is.]
And I'm not assuming anything. Know damn well I'm not the only person who feels like that. [A frown.] It's just another prison and what I think about it doesn't fucking matter.
Let's not pretend you're unintelligent, Alexei. You know that's not true.
[His tone isn't snide, just a simple comment.]
You can't control the Barge, that much is true. None of us can control who the Admiral chooses to contact, or what happens to the ship during floods and such. But you can control your reaction, how you think about it, even if how you feel is still fucking raw. And if the only thing you can see here is the same prison you clearly came from before, then you aren't giving yourself the opportunity to see proof that that's not true.
[He's not going to move, not going to pressure him into staying, but he does want to reach out first. At least to remove the doubt he's fucked this up forever with them.]
You're more than welcome to come back, whenever you feel like it. Just- let us know. Alright?
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You're certainly not the first person to have one. Not even the first in this room. There's nothing wrong with- with getting overwhelmed. It's perfectly human.
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Especially here when shit always happens.
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John's talked about you.
[Sheehan not so much, but the topic just never came up.]
We're friends. He's like family.
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He tends to do that. Along with his habit of turning people into family here. I'm glad to see it being appreciated.
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[Sheehan smiles into his cup as he sips it.]
John tends to hold on tightly to people.
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[Softly. He's very fond of John and since he's not trying to hide that fact, it's written all over his face. He finally picks up the tea and settles into the corner of the couch with it, taking a sip.
Evidently plain black tea is perfectly fine with him.]
... It's gonna happen again, isn't it. [If it was just the one panic attack he might not think so, but this is an escalation over months. He keeps his eyes on his drink as he speaks, not really wanting to meet either of their eyes.] Am I just fucking stuck with that happening to me now?
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In my personal experience with them, it became a matter of... learning what it was that was setting me off. It wasn't foolproof, of course, sometimes I still... fall into old habits. I let my emotions get the better of me. But knowing where those emotions are coming from makes a real difference.
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[He returns that look fondly and then glances away.]
But when you're in them, there are things that you can do to mitigate how intense they are.
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And if I don't know what set it off? What then.
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[Detective jokes.]
As utterly horrific as the idea feels, sometimes you do have to sit with yourself for a while to actually study your thoughts and emotions. Not everyone's so lucky as to have partners to point it out for them.
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And - you can always call me again.
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Alexei pushes a soft breath out through his nose.]
And what happens if being here is the problem.
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I've been an inmate myself. I know how suffocating this place can feel when you don't have an out like wardens do, or when wardens act... out of turn. Out of line. But none of it will ever feel within your control if you just sit on it assuming no-one else sees the cracks.
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He just sips his tea, grateful for Arthur.]
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[Not even the system in place which, by his own observation, is entirely arbitrary and he has no idea what he's supposed to do to pass through it even if he actually wanted to try to play along.]
When the Admiral is playing his monthly headfuck games and most of the wardens are just as screwed in the head as the inmates are, if not worse. [He looks like he wants to move, get rid of some restless energy, but he stays fixed where he is.]
And I'm not assuming anything. Know damn well I'm not the only person who feels like that. [A frown.] It's just another prison and what I think about it doesn't fucking matter.
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[His tone isn't snide, just a simple comment.]
You can't control the Barge, that much is true. None of us can control who the Admiral chooses to contact, or what happens to the ship during floods and such. But you can control your reaction, how you think about it, even if how you feel is still fucking raw. And if the only thing you can see here is the same prison you clearly came from before, then you aren't giving yourself the opportunity to see proof that that's not true.
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This place is designed to elicit change. As delicately as a hammer, sure, but change nonetheless.
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[He gets up suddenly, putting the cup down on the coffee table and straightening up with an unsteady breath out.]
Thanks for the tea.
[But he's going. Straight out of the door before his hands start shaking too badly.]
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[He's not going to move, not going to pressure him into staying, but he does want to reach out first. At least to remove the doubt he's fucked this up forever with them.]
You're more than welcome to come back, whenever you feel like it. Just- let us know. Alright?
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Exactly. [He also doesn't get up, doesn't try to stop him.]
Thanks for coming by.
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A gilded cage is still a prison. Nothing's gonna convince me otherwise.
[Then he's out of the door, because it's not a debate he's willing to have with anyone, even Abel. At least he doesn't slam it shut behind him.]
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Sorry, love. I pushed him too hard there.
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It's alright. It's hard sometimes to know what sets him off. I don't even think he knows sometimes.
But he's a good kid and I trust our friendship.
Besides, how many times have you wanted to storm out on me, hm?
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Fair enough. And still - for my first conversation with him, it certainly could have gone far worse.
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It really could have.
Now. Let's go back to bed?
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