"Yes, well apparently serious people can also be incredibly dramatic." He says quietly, knowing that quite a few of the things they're touching on aren't the most rational.
"It isn't dramatic. Your feelings are valid, Abel. If it feels like everything, then it feels like everything. I'm just trying to make sure that's what you're feeling," he explains.
It's talk like that, the quiet validation that he isn't used to that gets him to quiet, frowning into his lap while he gathers himself.
"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
"Do you hear his voice in your head when you make decisions?" he wonders softly, not trying to pry any deeper than Abel is willing to go. His job here is to challenge and validate and help. So he's going to do his best.
That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
"That is a big change," he explains gently. "And - that's a lot that you have to deal with. You were young. Sometimes, we wrap our identities so tightly around one aspect of our lives that, when it changes, we think we've lost who we are. We have to rebuild, in a way."
"My plans had been to die fighting for the Alliance since I was twelve. I never really planned for any kind of future." The war had been his whole life. He'd devoted most of his time and effort into it even before he enlisted.
"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
"Not as important, or meaningful at all." He clarifies, "at least compared to what it was. I have zero direction, no plans and a question mark as far as my own future."
"I think I do...It's part of why I came here anyways." He leans back into the chair rather than sitting forward, pushing some hair out of his face.
"My father, he isn't a good person. Maybe he was at some point in time, but I never knew him to be, even as a child. It's...important to me that I offset that. That I'm separate, that I help people and prove him wrong. I was doing that in the Alliance rather than staying behind and following his plan for my life but that's no longer an option, so I came here to end the war in the only way left to me. Regardless of how strange or awful it can be it's a way to still do what I intended to do. That's important."
"It sounds like he was a key figure to you." He thinks a moment, quiet as he mulls about it. "But if we tie that back to your identity, do you think that you're striving to be someone, or striving not to be someone?"
"I was rather isolated by my own behavior and his position in the world congress. Even if I wanted someone else to fill the role he did, I didn't have any other options." Which is a rather round about way of begrudgingly admitting he agrees that he was despite how much he actively hates him.
The question has him once again frowning, "if I didn't believe you were invested in my mental health I might accuse you of attempting to crash my mood further." The tone is light though, a half-assed deflection to distract himself from the answer for a moment.
"But I have nightmares about that, waking up and realizing I've become my father, so I can't say it's the first option. I don't think its a particularly rational fear, but it is a driving force. A conscious decision, more so than wanting to be anyone. Being recognized for my efforts never earned my anything I actually wanted anyways."
Sheehan smiles, almost apologetically. However, he does not apologize.
"So how do you think you can help yourself through these times?" he wonders, trying to get Abel to think more about solutions. He likes those, Sheehan's noted, and he doesn't want him to walk away from this feeling like Sheehan hasn't given him anything.
Abel has been trying to think of solutions, but the issue of it being so tied up in who he has always been, it's difficult to find them.
"I... don't know." Which is at least testament to growth that he can admit that outloud without much protest. "There are lots of little problems that pool together to become behavioral problems and picking that apart, choosing an angle to try and attack this...it feels overwhelming."
The main reason he'd wanted to talk was the fact that he'd been approaching every conversation like a fight to defend himself, but there are others. Things that feel like an easier thread to pull so that he can start to unravel the whole of it easier.
"There are plenty of pressing options, but...perhaps just looking at the amount of time I spend on a problem, the spirals...if I can learn to stop doing that, I'll have more time to work on everything else." To which he pauses, frowning at his lap before looking up.
"My anxiety hasn't been manageable since a got here. It's been bad enough that Fitz suggested I consider medicating myself for it. I...am not sure how I feel about that, but it's certainly an option."
"It certainly is an option. And it's one that I can help you with, if that's a route you want to take. We can start conservative, of course, if you're worried about side effects. But remember, the brain is a part of your body. It isn't weakness to want to try medication, just like it isn't weakness to want to correct a problem with a spine or a foot or a finger."
"I suppose the issue of this is that I always figured I wouldn't need any kind of chemical assistance. Disease is...rare where I come from, but mental illness? The kind that isn't genetic, I thought I was untouchable by that too. It...feels like a failing of mine to say that I was wrong." He won't get into it too much, but with the genetic modifications, usually you see weakness or chronic illness only in those whose body rejected it.
"I can't help but wonder if perhaps that was just more propaganda. People don't come back from the war, or haven't. They stay or they die. If there are any statistics of ptsd, anxiety, depression in the force I can't imagine the Alliance felt it would help their cause releasing it."
"We do that in our time, too. They have a lot of names for it, but - Abel, trauma literally changes the brain. It changes the way that it's wired, the way that it works, so much that they can see it on scans."
He rubs the back of his neck. "Sometimes it can heal on its own. Sometimes it can't. But it has nothing to do with your value as a person."
"Oh, no...I just-" he didn't think it made him worthless, the idea that he needs help. He had been able to admit that after just a few weeks of attempting to get through self help books on board and making zero progress.
"I find it funny. My position, as a Navigator? It's difficult even for genetically modified service members to pass the test to be accepted into the academy. There's a culture there, that we're better, smarter than our fighter partners. But here I am now, forever changed just like Alexei is. I realized a long time ago that wasnt the truth, but I still have bits and pieces of it I'm holding on to that I shouldn't."
"The little bits that were left behind? Or who I believed I was?" He settles in his seat, folding his hands in his lap.
"There's a lot there that I was incredibly proud of, even though I knew it wouldn't make my father proud, it was a recognized accomplishment. I was labeled a prodigy. But then I realized I'd been targeted by Cook since the academy. It...took some of that away, knowing that he'd just been- been grooming me for years." It's hard to get the words out but he does, something he's managed to come to terms with over the months.
"Whatever is left, I'd like to keep it, let that be who I am... There are things people tell me I am, and while it's hard to accept them, I'd like to think they're right. And maybe a handful of those positive traits can be scraped together enough to make a whole person with a vision for the future."
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"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'
"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."
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"I used to. But I haven't seen him in over six years. At some point it just became my voice."
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That frown of his is pulled more tightly, jaw set. "N-no? I...thought I did, and then we deserted." He's been drowning ever since.
"I should be happy with that decision, I would have died if I hadn't, but it still feels like I lost my whole life and even if I have goals, it's...it isn't the same."
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"I've been trying to rebuild...but a lot of it feels empty compared to what I had. Or if I pick a direction and it leads me away from the people I love, what then?"
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"My father, he isn't a good person. Maybe he was at some point in time, but I never knew him to be, even as a child. It's...important to me that I offset that. That I'm separate, that I help people and prove him wrong. I was doing that in the Alliance rather than staying behind and following his plan for my life but that's no longer an option, so I came here to end the war in the only way left to me. Regardless of how strange or awful it can be it's a way to still do what I intended to do. That's important."
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The question has him once again frowning, "if I didn't believe you were invested in my mental health I might accuse you of attempting to crash my mood further." The tone is light though, a half-assed deflection to distract himself from the answer for a moment.
"But I have nightmares about that, waking up and realizing I've become my father, so I can't say it's the first option. I don't think its a particularly rational fear, but it is a driving force. A conscious decision, more so than wanting to be anyone. Being recognized for my efforts never earned my anything I actually wanted anyways."
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"So how do you think you can help yourself through these times?" he wonders, trying to get Abel to think more about solutions. He likes those, Sheehan's noted, and he doesn't want him to walk away from this feeling like Sheehan hasn't given him anything.
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"I... don't know." Which is at least testament to growth that he can admit that outloud without much protest. "There are lots of little problems that pool together to become behavioral problems and picking that apart, choosing an angle to try and attack this...it feels overwhelming."
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"There are plenty of pressing options, but...perhaps just looking at the amount of time I spend on a problem, the spirals...if I can learn to stop doing that, I'll have more time to work on everything else." To which he pauses, frowning at his lap before looking up.
"My anxiety hasn't been manageable since a got here. It's been bad enough that Fitz suggested I consider medicating myself for it. I...am not sure how I feel about that, but it's certainly an option."
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"It certainly is an option. And it's one that I can help you with, if that's a route you want to take. We can start conservative, of course, if you're worried about side effects. But remember, the brain is a part of your body. It isn't weakness to want to try medication, just like it isn't weakness to want to correct a problem with a spine or a foot or a finger."
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"I can't help but wonder if perhaps that was just more propaganda. People don't come back from the war, or haven't. They stay or they die. If there are any statistics of ptsd, anxiety, depression in the force I can't imagine the Alliance felt it would help their cause releasing it."
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He rubs the back of his neck. "Sometimes it can heal on its own. Sometimes it can't. But it has nothing to do with your value as a person."
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"I find it funny. My position, as a Navigator? It's difficult even for genetically modified service members to pass the test to be accepted into the academy. There's a culture there, that we're better, smarter than our fighter partners. But here I am now, forever changed just like Alexei is. I realized a long time ago that wasnt the truth, but I still have bits and pieces of it I'm holding on to that I shouldn't."
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"There's a lot there that I was incredibly proud of, even though I knew it wouldn't make my father proud, it was a recognized accomplishment. I was labeled a prodigy. But then I realized I'd been targeted by Cook since the academy. It...took some of that away, knowing that he'd just been- been grooming me for years." It's hard to get the words out but he does, something he's managed to come to terms with over the months.
"Whatever is left, I'd like to keep it, let that be who I am... There are things people tell me I am, and while it's hard to accept them, I'd like to think they're right. And maybe a handful of those positive traits can be scraped together enough to make a whole person with a vision for the future."
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