IC Inbox

[heyboss]

Video | Audio | Text | Spam

Comments

[cactusy]

Basically everything.

[She insists again, curling her fingers around her water glass.]

I mean, anything emotional. A friend of mine said he didn't buy that I didn't feel things, because I don't act like someone without emotions - and I realized he had no idea how much of those actions were things I was doing on purpose, not as an instinctive result of something I felt.

[heyboss]

You've been able to mask it very well.

But that sounds really exhausting.

[cactusy]

A minor tension headache, short in duration.

[She says, her eyes flicking up to the ceiling as she tries to bring back the physical sensations the conversation had brought up.]

A small swooping in my stomach when B asked if I was excited about getting married.

[heyboss]

[He nods, noting that.]

Good. That swooping sensation certainly sounds like excitement. Like you're dropping from some place high?

[cactusy]

Not that kind of swooping feeling. The kind I get when I know I'm going to disappoint somebody.

[He had, she thinks, been expecting a certain type of answer; "Are you excited about your wedding?" is a question that's practically rhetorical. But she doesn't think she could have given the expected, normalized answer without faking it, without displaying the correct reactions on purpose.]

[heyboss]

Ah, I see.

So what did you tell him?

[cactusy]

[She lets out a small, humorless chuckle.]

That I'm excited for paintball. And I kinda am. Paintball's exciting. Weddings aren't. That doesn't mean I don't want to do it or that I'm not looking forward to it, but-- he should've asked Root. She would've been able to give him the answer he wanted.

[Root is so, so excited. It's adorable.]

[heyboss]

Do you think he asked because he wanted the truth, or do you think he asked because it's expected to ask?

[He does agree that Root would be more excited about it, though.]

[cactusy]

I think he asked because he really wanted to know, but I think he took it as a given that I'd say yes.

[heyboss]

Feeling nervous is normal before a wedding. It isn't something that you usually express to someone who isn't a close friend, true, but anxiety, fear, feelings of trepidation - those are all valid.

[cactusy]

I think I am... a little nervous.

[She says slowly, her brow furrowing.]

That some part of it will be disappointing to her. Or that she'll disappear or they'll wake me up before it happens. But I'm also relieved that I have a plan, and it's one that I like, because I was a little worried it'd all feel too unnatural for me and I'd just be putting up with it for her. I don't mind doing stuff that doesn't come naturally to me for her benefit, but doing stuff I hate for her benefit seems... wrong. And she wouldn't want me to do that, either.

[heyboss]

No, she wouldn't. But making compromises like this is one of the most important parts of a relationship.

Nervous is normal. You're doing something big. Making a big change.

[cactusy]

Yeah, and I'm okay with that. That's not...

[She trails off.]

It was just that one-two hit of two friends not understanding how off I am. Thinking about how put off they'd probably be if they did get it.

[heyboss]

Do you run the conversation through your head? Or have you tried to explain to them?

[cactusy]

No, and... sometimes. Usually it leads to people here thinking I'm full of crap.

[heyboss]

It's difficult to change perspectives. People can imagine what it's like to live without a sense. They struggle to imagine what it's like to live without innate knowledge of their own feelings.