heyboss | IC Inbox

More benefit than not?

[Nearly an hour goes by before she answers - and when she finally does, her voice sounds flatter than usual, and miles more tired.]

I'm sick of living in fantasy worlds. I've had enough of that. If she's dead for good, if they recaptured me and the whole deal thing is just a lie that I was stupid and desperate enough to believe, I'd rather just stop thinking about her as much as possible. I'd rather put everything about her in a box in my head and lock it.

[She gives no explanation whatsoever of who "she" is.]

I'm so sick of not knowing what's real and what isn't.

[His response is immediate.]

It's exhausting to live like that.

Who's she?

Friend of mine.

[Very informative, Shaw.]

Of course.

A close friend?

Mmhm.

Is she your deal?

Yeah.

It seems like you don't want to talk about her.

I don't really know what to say. Is there a point in talking about her?

I think there is, but you're the one that would have to do the work. So it's up to you.

And what would that point be, Sheehan?

Might help. Might be no point.

I get why it would help other people.

But not you? Why not?

Personality disorder. I don't feel things right. A lot of this emotion-based stuff is lost on me, you know?

You feel things the way you feel things.

When you get angry, where do you feel it?

[She pauses again: not because she doesn't like or understand the question, this time, but rather the complete opposite. It's an appreciative pause.]

My stomach; my head. I know a pulsing forehead vein is kinda stereotypical, but--

It is, but it's not always right for everyone. What about when you feel sad?

I don't. Which isn't to say that things that make other people feel sad don't matter to me.

[The answer doesn't sound defensive, exactly, but it does sound rote, and a little weary: like something she's explained to people many times before, and often to skeptical effect.]

It just feels like nothing. Like emptiness.

Alright.

When you think about your friend, what do you feel? Where do you feel it?

Depends on whether I'm thinking about her being dead or her being alive. My stomach. My throat. My skin.

Stomach and throat and skin is different than stomach and head.

So if not anger, then what?

Sometimes calmness and stillness. Sometimes eustress and exhilaration. Sometimes emptiness. Sometimes-- this is gonna sound weird, but hunger. Literal hunger, like my stomach is empty and so I need to go fill it with food.

Eustress.

[He laughs softly.]

Sounds a little like anxiety. Sounds a little like want. It doesn't sound weird.

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