He isn't sure he gets that, frowning as he crosses his arms and puzzles through it in his head, "so I...shouldn't try and work on my random abandonment issues?"
He says as if they both don't know they aren't at all random.
"Feelings are garbage and I wish I didn't have them." Well- that's not true. He sighs, thinking of the piece of paper in his pocket. His feelings helped David, that was...unexpected, but sometimes they really so suck.
"What a boring life that would be," he answers with a smile. "I know that you don't believe that, but it is hard to endure the negative feelings." He crosses his legs. "Where do you feel it? In your body? When you want to run?"
"Are you my armchair psychologist now?" He isn't sure how he feels about that, how literal that is, but fine. He'll bite.
His hand comes up to his collarbone where his scar starts, tracing it over his shirt to his heart. "Kind f all over, but it's like...centered right here. Just kind of buzzes outward until I feel it all over."
"No, I'm using my skills at the job that I do to see if I can help a friend," he tells him firmly because this isn't the first or the second or the third or the seventeenth time that he's had this conversation.
"You aren't the first one to accuse me of this, but I refuse to let my advice go to waste just because of what I was," he says with a hint of a smile. "And how do you relieve the pressure? Does running make it go away?"
Hanna chews on his lip, stopping in his pacing to slowly look back at Sheehan. Why?
"Probably a bunch of reasons. Because you frustrate me, because I get uncomfortable and don't know how to handle it...because I feel like if I push enough, you'll realize I'm not worth it and leave like I know you should."
"Do you think you're good enough to hide your true nature from me?" he asks and there's a little teasing in it because he doesn't like to drop heavy things on Hanna too much. He is giving him an out, just a little one.
He raises an eyebrow at him, "and what does 'true nature' mean? I'm not just secretly reveling in the fact that I can be an ass and laughing about it like a litte goblin..." He doesn't like to be at all, really.
But the truth of what happened, how he operates, who he is now as some rotten fucking shell of a boy, no one wanted to hear it, so it's easier to just push them away before they got close enough to tell him he's crazy. It makes no sense, he knows Sheehan had seen it, but that doesn't make his behavior any more rational.
"And I can be an ass, too. But you are worth caring about, Hanna. You are worth caring about a lot. So - that's what I intend on doing. And if you need to snap at me a lot before you realize it, then so be it."
"I suppose it's not so much a lie, more that the D can be interchangeable."
He shoved his hands in his pockets and pointedly stares at the wall, back facing Sheehan. Why is being honest so hard and generally embarrassing?
"Sometimes it stands for dick when you're being one, not as likely. But when you're being all...disappointed, or telling me that despite any kind of resistance you're still going to care? It's dad. C-cause it's hard to not hear it like you say it and not think about him and I have no idea how to deal with that, but maybe after I graduate I'll get you a picture, show you how weird it is to look at you and see the outline of him."
Sheehan doesn't know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. He had thought about being a father figure for Faroe, of course, but that's different. He's going to be in her life forever, until he dies, and that's a commitment he walked into with thought and intention.
Hanna, though, is a different beast. He's a friend that Sheehan has cultivated from the ground up and somewhere along the way, it became this.
He pushes off of the chair again and reaches out for Hanna to wrap his arms around him in a tight embrace.
"I care about you, Hanna. I love you. And I'm honored that you'd think of me that way. But - I am never disappointed in you. Just in the decisions that you make."
It's unfortunately Sheehan's fault for being a fun, positive male role model that made the decision to give him any kind of attention at all.
He had been expecting the hug the moment he heard him get up from his chair, but he can't help but laugh, shaking his head. His hands coming up to hold the arms around him and despite that lingering feeling of discomfort, it's really nice to hear I love you again from a voice he trusts and cares about. Breaches be fucking damned, he didn't need one to find family.
"That's the most dad fucking thing to say too. Now you're just doing it on purpose..."
"You're going to have to be more specific." Because currently he isn't sure if it's because he mentioned the D word, his abandonment issues, punching Arthur. There are plenty of topics to choose from.
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He says as if they both don't know they aren't at all random.
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His hand comes up to his collarbone where his scar starts, tracing it over his shirt to his heart. "Kind f all over, but it's like...centered right here. Just kind of buzzes outward until I feel it all over."
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"Is it painful?"
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He starts to pace, just so he can move and shrugs. "I don't know...I feel like I'm gonna explode, but that's not painful, that's like...pressure?"
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He hasn't felt like punching Sheehan before at least. "It's like a reflex. And...I'm sorry I do that."
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"Probably a bunch of reasons. Because you frustrate me, because I get uncomfortable and don't know how to handle it...because I feel like if I push enough, you'll realize I'm not worth it and leave like I know you should."
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But the truth of what happened, how he operates, who he is now as some rotten fucking shell of a boy, no one wanted to hear it, so it's easier to just push them away before they got close enough to tell him he's crazy. It makes no sense, he knows Sheehan had seen it, but that doesn't make his behavior any more rational.
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"I lied to you before. The D doesn't stand for doctor."
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"Yeah? What does it mean?"
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He shoved his hands in his pockets and pointedly stares at the wall, back facing Sheehan. Why is being honest so hard and generally embarrassing?
"Sometimes it stands for dick when you're being one, not as likely. But when you're being all...disappointed, or telling me that despite any kind of resistance you're still going to care? It's dad. C-cause it's hard to not hear it like you say it and not think about him and I have no idea how to deal with that, but maybe after I graduate I'll get you a picture, show you how weird it is to look at you and see the outline of him."
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Hanna, though, is a different beast. He's a friend that Sheehan has cultivated from the ground up and somewhere along the way, it became this.
He pushes off of the chair again and reaches out for Hanna to wrap his arms around him in a tight embrace.
"I care about you, Hanna. I love you. And I'm honored that you'd think of me that way. But - I am never disappointed in you. Just in the decisions that you make."
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He had been expecting the hug the moment he heard him get up from his chair, but he can't help but laugh, shaking his head. His hands coming up to hold the arms around him and despite that lingering feeling of discomfort, it's really nice to hear I love you again from a voice he trusts and cares about. Breaches be fucking damned, he didn't need one to find family.
"That's the most dad fucking thing to say too. Now you're just doing it on purpose..."
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He holds him tightly, though. This time, it's Sheehan who needs the embrace.
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"Yeah, well you won't be." He says it with the most confidence, leaning forward slightly so he can feel the gentle pull, tightening his own grip.
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