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He looks over and shrugs. "It depends on you. We'll work on you learning new ways of doing things. New values about yourself. We're going to take everything you were taught about yourself and how the world works and we're going to challenge it. And then you'll learn how to challenge your views on your own until you're able to do this independently."

That all sounds so simple. It can't be that simple. People can't change that much. They don't change that much.

But he won't say that.

How'd you learn all that?

That gets a sheepish chuckle. He hadn't really explained. "I'm a psychiatrist," he explains. "A doctor for the mind."

That makes him stop.

I ain't crazy.

Sheehan looks back at him. "No one said you were, Max. But you've been touched by trauma, by hard things in your life. That changed the way you saw the world and how you react to it."

He looks wary, though. But he'll keep walking along with him. Slower.

I'm not weak either. I'm strong.

He looks at the sentence. "I know that, Max. I know that you are. You're strong. You're clever. You're brave. But I want you to think about the mind like any other part of your body. You have to maintain it. Keep it strong, too. Heal it when it hurts. We all do."

Some of his wariness falters at that, because that makes sense. He can't help but be a little skittish as he catches up.

I never saw that on the tv.

"We come from a time when people don't know a lot about psychology and the brain. But I was doing my best to learn all about it because it was important to me," he explains.

Did someone you care about get their brain all mucked up?

He nods. "Yes, Max. I had a patient that I grew very fond of, but he was too far gone," he explains.

"My first deal was to help him."

Oh. That's sad. He hobbles along beside him, considering what he wants to say. Being gentle ain't anything he knows in person. He's seen it on the television but

Well, he doesn't think Doc'll get mad if he's bad at this.

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope it's better now.

"It is," he tells him. "Yeah. It's much better. I went to check on him and he's - got himself a nice life now."

He's watching Sheehan carefully and it's obvious there's more to it than he's saying but he's not going to press. Doc's been good to him. No reason to make things hard on him.

I'm glad. For both of you.

"Me, too." He nods and takes another drink as they descend the stairs. "Now. Does that help answer your questions? Anything else you want to ask me?"

He shakes his head. Then something occurs to him.

You haven't asked me if I enjoyed what I was doing but everyone else has. Why not?

He eyes the communicator and shakes his head. "Because it - it doesn't matter. At least, not to me. And I imagine the answer is not that you enjoy it, but that it is simply something you do. Do I enjoy getting up and getting dressed every day? Not really because it's just something I do. I get some enjoyment out of choosing the right clothes and matching colors, but I don't get enjoyment out of the act of dressing." He looks up to Max. "Am I close?"

Sheehan's given him so much. It's why he's going to give him the answer he's only given to one other person.

Yes and no.

It feels good being good at something.

And it feels good making sure people can't hurt me or lock me up. Not being scared.

"Ah, a little power and control. I understand. You take what you can get in a world that doesn't give you a damn thing." He smiles. "Thank you for telling me, Max."

That... wasn't what he was expecting. But it does make him think. It makes him pause in the hallway, and his typing is slow, plodding, clearly as careful as his thinking.

When you're in the trials, it feels like you have all the power and control. Even when they get away, they can't hurt you.

But I've been thinking about it.

Nothing I did effected anything. It was always the same. And I could only work on my chainsaw. And I didn't get to have my friends. That's not really power or control, is it?

"You're right," he agrees after he reads through. "It's not. But it's what you knew at the time. Now you know better. That's - what happens here. You get to know better. Learn more. Gain perspective."

It feels good to hear that. But-

Doesn't mean anything if other people don't learn and gain perspective.

"Yes it does, Max. It means a lot. You can only control yourself and what you know and do." He places a hand on his arm. "It does get frustrating when others don't see it, though."

There's a noise that says he's feeling a lot more complex and hard to tear into pieces bits but he's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, not when it comes with a rare soft touch. He'd have startled if Justine hadn't been getting him more used to it. As it is, he just gives a slightly distracted nod.

"Ready to go back?" he wonders, tilting his head.

Re: after fitz's post [good fade?]

killingtool - 2025-05-05 00:51 (UTC) - Expand