The question makes him slightly uncomfortable. He knows that Alexei is friends with Sheehan, and he'd been doing his best to leave Cain behind. Bringing it up with someone who might not know after he'd gotten on board felt wrong, and it's clear on his face as he sets his cup in his lap.
"I mean...he's been an angry person since I met him. A-and I understand he's working on it, he's made a lot of progress and I'm incredibly proud of him, but... I did something wrong. I keep failing at meeting expectations, I dont-" He catches himself, remembering what he'd said earlier, how Alexei responded.
"I've never not kept a balance, it's always been like that. Not that I think an argument has a winner or a loser, but the failure has to cost something. It's never not...and when I told him that, he was shocked. Like- like it was this weird, childish thing I was doing and I don't think I've ever even considered that other people didn't do that."
"It isn't weird and it isn't childish," he explains gently. "In fact, it's a very normal response sometimes to things that may have happened before. Why do you think that you need to have a balance like that? What's happened when you felt off balance?"
Abel pauses a moment, he'd been thinking about it all day once Alexei had compared what he'd been doing to how he'd only ever argued when he was a child with his sister. The implied 'I grew out of it, why didn't you' felt a little pointed, made him desperate to want to explain but then, wouldn't that just be more excuses?
"If I keep a balance, it let's me know where I stand with someone...what I should expect when I speak with them next, the reasonable reaction." Or perhaps not so reasonable but justified given the accomplishments and failures all tallied up in his mind.
"I can't be disappointed if I've already set my expectations and it hurts less." But as far as what happens...
"Usually a lot of yelling, reminders of expectations not being met. Disappointment, disgust, taking privileges away... when it was too off balance it would be eerily quiet, or I would be ignored, not worth the effort until I caught up." He can't say all of that he saw in Alexei, but some of it he did or expected him to and got confused when he didn't.
It makes sense. All of it, even in that dysfunctional way. He sighs. "That sounds exhausting, Abel," he tells him gently. "To be constantly tallying up in your head. To be hyper-attuned to the small details in people's reactions."
"I don't even really consider it work any more...I just do it." It isn't extra labor, it's a process constantly running in the back of his mind, "unless I know I'm going to have a conversation like the one I had this morning...like I said though, I didn't give myself much time to walk myself through it, so...less time doing that work."
That doesn't mean he didn't at all, he'd had a full twelve or so hours between that he spent thinking about it since he hadn't wanted to bring it up to Alexei as he was going to bed, that didn't seem fair.
"I don't remember ever not doing that either...which is why I was so confused when he was surprised I was doing it." It never even occurred to him to bring it up because why would he? It was normal.
"You mean it takes someone who isn't so dysfunctional to point out the dysfunction." He returns flatly, rather aware of the look Alexei had given him.
"I...had been keeping something important from Alexei that directly involved him. It's-" He frowns, not quite sure that Sheehan would understand but...he could certainly try. "Has Alexei mentioned anything to you about Project Thebes?"
"That's not why I asked," he returns gently, "When he arrived, it didn't feel right to tell anyone our shared history without asking permission. I already told him he can tell who he wants and if he's told you, I don't have to make a call. That's all."
"Thebes was what Alexei was recruited for, if he's told you about his time in the Alliance then it's fine." He's not sharing major beats that Alexei hasn't already shared himself.
"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.
"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."
He nods along because that is what Alexei has told him, once upon a time. He leans back, his legs crossed as he listens.
"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"
Abel sits for a moment, trying to piece together all of the reasons why, there are quite a few of them. "For one, he asked me to come to him first when I had problems that involved him before, and I didn't. I can go into the whole of why if you'd like me to, but...I figured he'd be upset, because I didn't know how much he knew it affected me, and I was...concerned. The thought was if I told him, he might question what part of how I felt was real, and what part of it was the jump drive compelling me to feel that way." Which is the simplest way he can put it.
Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."
Well that certainly makes sense. "When we started having problems recently, I think it's fair to say that's why it started...I spent months trying to figure out how to have a conversation with him, so maybe he wouldn't be so upset with me, but I'd spent so much time thinking about it that when I got to it I forgot important details and questions. Like the conversations I had with myself had actually happened with him instead." It truly was a disaster.
"I used to be in control, was confident in how things were supposed to work, but that changed so suddenly, I haven't really been the same since. But Alexei was still there. I...think if he wasn't, none of what happened to me, to us? I couldn't say 'at least it gave me you' and that would be too much..."
"Again, Abel, that sounds exhausting. Even with your enhancements, even with everything you can do, that's a long time to spend worrying about something," he says, leaning forward. And he knows that Alexei is - head over heels in love with Abel, but it doesn't matter what he says right now. That's not the important part.
"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
Abel stares at his hands, quietly rubbing his fingers against his palms as he thinks about that a minute.
It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
"Yes, well apparently serious people can also be incredibly dramatic." He says quietly, knowing that quite a few of the things they're touching on aren't the most rational.
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"I mean...he's been an angry person since I met him. A-and I understand he's working on it, he's made a lot of progress and I'm incredibly proud of him, but... I did something wrong. I keep failing at meeting expectations, I dont-" He catches himself, remembering what he'd said earlier, how Alexei responded.
"I've never not kept a balance, it's always been like that. Not that I think an argument has a winner or a loser, but the failure has to cost something. It's never not...and when I told him that, he was shocked. Like- like it was this weird, childish thing I was doing and I don't think I've ever even considered that other people didn't do that."
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"If I keep a balance, it let's me know where I stand with someone...what I should expect when I speak with them next, the reasonable reaction." Or perhaps not so reasonable but justified given the accomplishments and failures all tallied up in his mind.
"I can't be disappointed if I've already set my expectations and it hurts less." But as far as what happens...
"Usually a lot of yelling, reminders of expectations not being met. Disappointment, disgust, taking privileges away... when it was too off balance it would be eerily quiet, or I would be ignored, not worth the effort until I caught up." He can't say all of that he saw in Alexei, but some of it he did or expected him to and got confused when he didn't.
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That doesn't mean he didn't at all, he'd had a full twelve or so hours between that he spent thinking about it since he hadn't wanted to bring it up to Alexei as he was going to bed, that didn't seem fair.
"I don't remember ever not doing that either...which is why I was so confused when he was surprised I was doing it." It never even occurred to him to bring it up because why would he? It was normal.
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"I...had been keeping something important from Alexei that directly involved him. It's-" He frowns, not quite sure that Sheehan would understand but...he could certainly try. "Has Alexei mentioned anything to you about Project Thebes?"
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This isn't couples counseling. This is Abel's counseling. And Sheehan hates muddy waters.
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"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.
"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."
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"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"
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Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."
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"It sounds like all of this is wrapped up in your fear of losing him."
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"I used to be in control, was confident in how things were supposed to work, but that changed so suddenly, I haven't really been the same since. But Alexei was still there. I...think if he wasn't, none of what happened to me, to us? I couldn't say 'at least it gave me you' and that would be too much..."
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"I...I know it is. I just couldn't stop. The more I thought about it, the more I came up with more things that could go wrong."
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He runs his fingers through his hair. "What happens if you start to think of things that go right?"
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"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.
"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."
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It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."
He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"
Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."
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"Why? What do you envision happening if you let go?"
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"I'm going to miss something important, or I won't be taken seriously, and everything I've done since I left will have amounted to nothing."
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