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From:

heyboss

It makes sense. All of it, even in that dysfunctional way. He sighs. "That sounds exhausting, Abel," he tells him gently. "To be constantly tallying up in your head. To be hyper-attuned to the small details in people's reactions."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"I don't even really consider it work any more...I just do it." It isn't extra labor, it's a process constantly running in the back of his mind, "unless I know I'm going to have a conversation like the one I had this morning...like I said though, I didn't give myself much time to walk myself through it, so...less time doing that work."

That doesn't mean he didn't at all, he'd had a full twelve or so hours between that he spent thinking about it since he hadn't wanted to bring it up to Alexei as he was going to bed, that didn't seem fair.

"I don't remember ever not doing that either...which is why I was so confused when he was surprised I was doing it." It never even occurred to him to bring it up because why would he? It was normal.

From:

heyboss

"Sometimes it takes an extraordinry measure to point these things out. Do you want to share what the discussion was?" he wonders.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"You mean it takes someone who isn't so dysfunctional to point out the dysfunction." He returns flatly, rather aware of the look Alexei had given him.

"I...had been keeping something important from Alexei that directly involved him. It's-" He frowns, not quite sure that Sheehan would understand but...he could certainly try. "Has Alexei mentioned anything to you about Project Thebes?"

From:

heyboss

Sheehan shakes his head. "I don't know, but even if he has, I would want to hear it from your side."

This isn't couples counseling. This is Abel's counseling. And Sheehan hates muddy waters.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"That's not why I asked," he returns gently, "When he arrived, it didn't feel right to tell anyone our shared history without asking permission. I already told him he can tell who he wants and if he's told you, I don't have to make a call. That's all."

From:

heyboss

"I don't know," he repeats again. "He's never said that name to me, but he and I have talked rather extensively about his life."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"Thebes was what Alexei was recruited for, if he's told you about his time in the Alliance then it's fine." He's not sharing major beats that Alexei hasn't already shared himself.

"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.

"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."

From:

heyboss

He nods along because that is what Alexei has told him, once upon a time. He leans back, his legs crossed as he listens.

"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Abel sits for a moment, trying to piece together all of the reasons why, there are quite a few of them. "For one, he asked me to come to him first when I had problems that involved him before, and I didn't. I can go into the whole of why if you'd like me to, but...I figured he'd be upset, because I didn't know how much he knew it affected me, and I was...concerned. The thought was if I told him, he might question what part of how I felt was real, and what part of it was the jump drive compelling me to feel that way." Which is the simplest way he can put it.

Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."

From:

heyboss

He breathes out, letting Abel talk until he's done, letting him say what he wants. And when he reaches the end, Sheehan pauses.

"It sounds like all of this is wrapped up in your fear of losing him."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Well that certainly makes sense. "When we started having problems recently, I think it's fair to say that's why it started...I spent months trying to figure out how to have a conversation with him, so maybe he wouldn't be so upset with me, but I'd spent so much time thinking about it that when I got to it I forgot important details and questions. Like the conversations I had with myself had actually happened with him instead." It truly was a disaster.

"I used to be in control, was confident in how things were supposed to work, but that changed so suddenly, I haven't really been the same since. But Alexei was still there. I...think if he wasn't, none of what happened to me, to us? I couldn't say 'at least it gave me you' and that would be too much..."

From:

heyboss

"Again, Abel, that sounds exhausting. Even with your enhancements, even with everything you can do, that's a long time to spend worrying about something," he says, leaning forward. And he knows that Alexei is - head over heels in love with Abel, but it doesn't matter what he says right now. That's not the important part.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

He frowns, staring into his lap as he wrings his hands.

"I...I know it is. I just couldn't stop. The more I thought about it, the more I came up with more things that could go wrong."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan frowns. "Abel, I'm going to stay something that may sound very - stupid, but stay with me, okay?"

He runs his fingers through his hair. "What happens if you start to think of things that go right?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Well there's a question.

"I generally don't. I'm trying to plan for all the what ifs that might go wrong. If- if it goes right, then I don't have to fall back on all that prep I tried to do." Except he tends to expect it to, and shoots himself in the foot before he's even started.

"I'm used to strategizing for war, not a conversation with my boyfriend. It isn't my place to plan the next move if everything goes right. I just have to make sure I survive until we get there."

From:

heyboss

"But you aren't strategizing for a war right now," he challenges gently. "You're - having a conversation with your boyfriend."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Abel stares at his hands, quietly rubbing his fingers against his palms as he thinks about that a minute.

It's the truth, and yet it never feels like that's all it is. "I... I feel like, if I don't approach every problem the same way, something terrible is going to happen, and it's going to be my fault. A-and maybe it's because I was there and then I was here suddenly, and some day I'll be going back..."

He glances up at Sheehan, pushing forward despite how stupid he feels his own behavior is. "If I relax too much I won't be prepared for when I leave. N-never mind that it might be years, I can't- even before I enlisted, arguments felt like war and now that it's changing, if I change too-"

Its the same. All of it's the same no matter how much it changes, but if he changes, it might hurt when it inevitably shifts back, when he has to face the war again. "It's going to hurt too much if I just let go of this."

Edited Date: 2025-03-13 11:39 pm (UTC)

From:

heyboss

Sheehan knows that feeling very well. It's the reason that he had come back to the States with nothing but another ache in his head.

"Why? What do you envision happening if you let go?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

If he let's go...if he doesn't spend as much time and care on each of these problems that pop up?

"I'm going to miss something important, or I won't be taken seriously, and everything I've done since I left will have amounted to nothing."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan raises his eyebrows. "'Everything' is a big word," he prompts.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"Yes, well apparently serious people can also be incredibly dramatic." He says quietly, knowing that quite a few of the things they're touching on aren't the most rational.

From:

heyboss

"It isn't dramatic. Your feelings are valid, Abel. If it feels like everything, then it feels like everything. I'm just trying to make sure that's what you're feeling," he explains.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

It's talk like that, the quiet validation that he isn't used to that gets him to quiet, frowning into his lap while he gathers himself.

"You know, I try very hard to be a good person, and to do what's right, because I feel like it's my duty. I have a mission, one I've always had, to prove that I could be successful without being any of the things my father is, but every time I make a mistake it counts against me." Every misstep is the proof he would point at and say 'you see, there? You weren't good enough.'

"So when I say everything, I mean it. It feels like everything...because he would look at the sum of it all, and do the math before I even opened my mouth to defend myself."

From:

heyboss

"Do you hear his voice in your head when you make decisions?" he wonders softly, not trying to pry any deeper than Abel is willing to go. His job here is to challenge and validate and help. So he's going to do his best.