"Supposed to is an obligation, doctor." He lets Sheehan sit first, so he can kneel on the floor in front of him, taking both his hands and pressing a soft kiss to them as he settles them on Sheehan's knees, gripping them in clean, pale gloves. "Nothing more. It doesn't grant you the ability to be unaffected, or flawless. You're still human, and seeing the people you care about hurt... you're not any lesser for not being able to do more."
And all he hears in that is that he could have done more, but - that's not what Arthur said. He forces himself to focus on those words, on the intent behind them, unclouded by his own current bout of self-doubt.
"It - " He starts trying to defend himself, then pauses, truly thinking of his next words. "I've been thinking about Andrew lately," he finally admits.
"I gave everything to him. But it still didn't save him. From anything. From the world. From himself. I'm still thinking about it - even now."
He looks down. "My deal's still for him. Because I can't accept anything other than giving my entire self to someone. I spent two years on that island, not leaving for any vacations. All for Andrew."
His breath feels like it's coming a little shorter for a moment, but he takes a deep breath to level it out. To make himself sound calmer.
"Something I have always believed, doctor, is that... you can't live for someone else. Or- shouldn't, I suppose, I can't, but." He stands up, and sits on the couch next to Sheehan, keeping their hands linked.
"The ability to be able to dedicate yourself so... so wholly to someone, it's truly admirable, but... it leaves you at their mercy. When they do something that... you can't fix. Can't course correct their mistakes, can't... be the cure to all of their problems. You can only be there for what they are willing to live with themselves."
"I know that," he assures him, placing a hand on his and then just leaning against him. "Detective, you don't need to solve this one for me. The answer's there. It's always been there. It's not admirable; it's stupid. And it puts so much - pressure on that other person. Unnecessarily. That's what I'm trying to change. That's why I've been thinking about him."
His ears turn pink at the strangely intimate gesture and he looks down, ears pink. He doesn't even try to hide it, having grown so used to Arthur not being able to see it. With Arthur, he's more open, more expressive, if only because he had allowed himself to show it more.
"It is. But I've been - well, I think what I need is a change. Something where I can still help, but not where I'm so wrapped up in my job and my habits that I lose myself to it."
"No, but I'm willing to wait for the right moment. "
He shakes his head. "I've been - trying to be a good rock. For you. For Una. For Shaun. I cleaned out his fucking room, did I tell you? He had a whole arsenal in there."
"Jesus. No, you didn't." He's hardly offended, whatever Sheehan did with his inmate was his own business, but still. "God knows how poorly that could have gone, given the wrong flood. Good job finding it when you did."
"It had happened after the port, after we had chased him into Death," he explains. It was after everything that had happened. And then, just after Sheehan had been so blissfully happy and -
He lets out a breath and, instead of stopping that train of thought like he wants to, he lets it continue. He lets the thought ride out. He sits with that feeling of sadness. About that feeling of injustice that turned to anger when Jedao had told him that there was nothing to be done. That the Barge herself couldn't get them back.
"It feels like a lifetime ago." His voice is small.
"It does." Even on his end of things, not truly knowing where he was going, not knowing how long they might spend in the prison pits, not even remembering the Barge to be able to mourn the people he might never see again...
"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "That you had to suffer through all of this alone."
He turns, curling himself against Arthur, finding himself actually accepting that apology, though there was nothing he could have done about it.
"You were hurting. You were suffering. And I - I knew it. When Jedao said the Barge couldn't find you, when Misty said Iris couldn't - I knew. And I was just waiting for you to come back, hurt as you were, or - god - to not come back at all."
He wraps both arms around Sheehan's shoulders, pressing another kiss into his hair, but the comment makes him chuckle weakly.
"Apparently even the King in Yellow himself can't keep me down for long," he murmurs. "And with John, too..." He takes a breath, bracing himself as much as he is staying strong for Sheehan. "Jedao told me that the Barge was still trying to find him when I got back. I suppose it was almost like casting me out like a fishing line to help get John back from his... his own situation."
Arthur doesn't hide his own smile; it's in his voice when he mumbles, "And that's with him trying his hardest to keep me out of it."
He huffs softly against Sheehan's hair before he pulls back, just to be able to see him properly. "He did everything he could, helping me through that. God knows I didn't make it easy, but. He tried to, so much, and I owe him for that."
Because John had known better; had the information ahead of time to know what all of Arthur's bad decisions were going to be, and save him from himself. Because even John knows Arthur can't be trusted to take control of anything lest he destroy it utterly.
"I couldn't see, when we went back," he comments quietly. "John's body got left here, so he was back in my eyes."
Sheehan avoids his gaze for the moment, sitting back but staring at his chin, his jaw, his shoulder - really anything that would give away the pain in his face.
"That would have been a shock to you, I think," he remarks lightly. "To go back with no memories but with the sudden change."
"I've been here for a year without my sight, now. I think I would have adjusted to that part well enough," he says, light and dry. "Instead the last thing I remembered was the ritual that got us dragged to the Dreamlands in the first place."
He almost corrects him; that wasn't what he meant. But he sighs, reaching up to place a hand on his cheek. "That was what you had seen when you were here? When you saw the future?"
Sheehan doesn't mind it at all. He pulls him close, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "You do support me. I have a habit of encouraging it to happen sometimes."
Which is the closest he will come to admitting to Arthur that he deliberately steers conversations away from himself. He doesn't do it much with Arthur because their conversations aren't as terrifying as others, but this one is. This one has touched on that sad, grieving place in his heart too many times.
The kiss is sweet and gentle and he hates to pull away. But he cups his face in both hands, cherishing this very moment.
He doesn't even notice that his hand is perfectly steady.
"I love you," he tells him, wanting to erase Arthur's angry words from his head. They live there sometimes, in his lowest moments, when he's waking up in the middle of the night.
He puts his hand on Sheehan's, leaning into it as he kisses back. And when Sheehan gives his little declaration, his eyes flutter with a blink of surprise as his cheeks warm under Sheehan's hands.
A part of him hates how his heart flutters in his chest, with hope that he's somehow worthy of the privilege of being loved. His gaze flicks away, but he tilts his head to kiss the palm of the hand he's holding.
"I love you," he echoes, a soft breath against Sheehan's palm.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2024-03-04 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-04 03:02 am (UTC)"It - " He starts trying to defend himself, then pauses, truly thinking of his next words. "I've been thinking about Andrew lately," he finally admits.
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Date: 2024-03-04 03:11 am (UTC)So. "In what way?"
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Date: 2024-03-04 03:14 am (UTC)He looks down. "My deal's still for him. Because I can't accept anything other than giving my entire self to someone. I spent two years on that island, not leaving for any vacations. All for Andrew."
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Date: 2024-03-04 03:47 am (UTC)"Something I have always believed, doctor, is that... you can't live for someone else. Or- shouldn't, I suppose, I can't, but." He stands up, and sits on the couch next to Sheehan, keeping their hands linked.
"The ability to be able to dedicate yourself so... so wholly to someone, it's truly admirable, but... it leaves you at their mercy. When they do something that... you can't fix. Can't course correct their mistakes, can't... be the cure to all of their problems. You can only be there for what they are willing to live with themselves."
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Date: 2024-03-04 04:00 am (UTC)He takes in a breath, lets it clear his head.
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Date: 2024-03-04 04:09 am (UTC)"I know." He combs through Sheehan's hair gently, tucking the curls behind his ear without thinking. "Force of habit's a powerful thing, isn't it."
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Date: 2024-03-04 12:32 pm (UTC)"It is. But I've been - well, I think what I need is a change. Something where I can still help, but not where I'm so wrapped up in my job and my habits that I lose myself to it."
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Date: 2024-03-04 09:32 pm (UTC)"That sounds like a good idea. Did you have any thoughts yet as to where?"
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Date: 2024-03-04 09:36 pm (UTC)He shakes his head. "I've been - trying to be a good rock. For you. For Una. For Shaun. I cleaned out his fucking room, did I tell you? He had a whole arsenal in there."
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Date: 2024-03-04 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-04 09:58 pm (UTC)He lets out a breath and, instead of stopping that train of thought like he wants to, he lets it continue. He lets the thought ride out. He sits with that feeling of sadness. About that feeling of injustice that turned to anger when Jedao had told him that there was nothing to be done. That the Barge herself couldn't get them back.
"It feels like a lifetime ago." His voice is small.
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Date: 2024-03-04 11:11 pm (UTC)"It does." Even on his end of things, not truly knowing where he was going, not knowing how long they might spend in the prison pits, not even remembering the Barge to be able to mourn the people he might never see again...
"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "That you had to suffer through all of this alone."
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Date: 2024-03-05 02:12 am (UTC)"You were hurting. You were suffering. And I - I knew it. When Jedao said the Barge couldn't find you, when Misty said Iris couldn't - I knew. And I was just waiting for you to come back, hurt as you were, or - god - to not come back at all."
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Date: 2024-03-05 02:19 am (UTC)"Apparently even the King in Yellow himself can't keep me down for long," he murmurs. "And with John, too..." He takes a breath, bracing himself as much as he is staying strong for Sheehan. "Jedao told me that the Barge was still trying to find him when I got back. I suppose it was almost like casting me out like a fishing line to help get John back from his... his own situation."
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Date: 2024-03-05 02:31 am (UTC)"I'm glad you're together, though. I - well, we were all worried for John. If you had left but he was here."
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Date: 2024-03-05 02:37 am (UTC)He huffs softly against Sheehan's hair before he pulls back, just to be able to see him properly. "He did everything he could, helping me through that. God knows I didn't make it easy, but. He tried to, so much, and I owe him for that."
Because John had known better; had the information ahead of time to know what all of Arthur's bad decisions were going to be, and save him from himself. Because even John knows Arthur can't be trusted to take control of anything lest he destroy it utterly.
"I couldn't see, when we went back," he comments quietly. "John's body got left here, so he was back in my eyes."
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Date: 2024-03-05 02:58 am (UTC)"That would have been a shock to you, I think," he remarks lightly. "To go back with no memories but with the sudden change."
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Date: 2024-03-05 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-05 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-05 03:29 am (UTC)"Right. If John hasn't remembered, we would have gone through the same thing all over again. We wouldn't have been able to change anything."
Not that Sheehan even knows half of what they could have encountered, and Arthur gives another huff.
"Christ, and here I am unloading it on you when I'm supposed to be here to support you."
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Date: 2024-03-05 03:35 am (UTC)Which is the closest he will come to admitting to Arthur that he deliberately steers conversations away from himself. He doesn't do it much with Arthur because their conversations aren't as terrifying as others, but this one is. This one has touched on that sad, grieving place in his heart too many times.
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Date: 2024-03-05 03:45 am (UTC)"Old habits again. I suppose they'll be the death of us yet."
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Date: 2024-03-05 03:48 am (UTC)He doesn't even notice that his hand is perfectly steady.
"I love you," he tells him, wanting to erase Arthur's angry words from his head. They live there sometimes, in his lowest moments, when he's waking up in the middle of the night.
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Date: 2024-03-05 04:00 am (UTC)A part of him hates how his heart flutters in his chest, with hope that he's somehow worthy of the privilege of being loved. His gaze flicks away, but he tilts his head to kiss the palm of the hand he's holding.
"I love you," he echoes, a soft breath against Sheehan's palm.
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