It's as much my fault as yours. I came in to this deliberately not wanting to make friends. I made a concentrated effort to keep everyone back. Using my truth like a scalpel, as you so elegantly put it.
[He takes a drink.]
Then I realized I got exactly what I wanted and - well, it didn't feel good.
I know you've been alone. And I know - I know what you said about John. How he hurt you when you opened up to him.
I don't want to hurt you, detective. If keeping me at a distance helps you, then I can respect that.
[Well now he's mad he finished his own drink, and it fans the spark of irritation that Sheehan's words set off, and he puts his glass down a little too firmly.]
I don't want you gone, doctor, I just don't want you dead. It's a rather unfortunate trend for people I end up caring about.
You being a dick about your own safety isn't the same thing.
[He doesn't want to continue the topic. He can't risk it turning back towards her. But a part of him wants to protest and rail against the fact that Sheehan thinks he's safe liking Arthur.]
Parker died because of me. He trusted me and I- I failed that. Completely.
[Arthur owes him this one. This much. And he knows it, and he can't hate it. But his voice is low - resentful, but at himself, not Sheehan.]
Because I opened John's fucking book. Because he used me to- [he picks up the drink, just holding it for a moment.] -to get rid of Parker. The last thing my only friend saw, w-was me-- killing him.
[He lifts his drink, visibly hesitates for a moment, but knocks the entire thing back again.]
It's not about you, doctor. [His tone slows, emphatic and even.] I can't lose anyone again.
[Sheehan lets out a sigh. That's - a lot more than what he was expecting. Even from them.
He still vividly remembers Parker's face. He remembers that carefree smirk. The easy way they were together.
It makes his chest ache to think of what might have been running through his head as he was killed.]
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry that happened to him. [Only sincerity.]
It is about me, detective. Fearing loss is one thing. That's - after what you went through, that's to be expected. The guilt you carry about it only compounds that. It - I don't begrudge you that. And I'm not a child. I'm not going to insist that you be my friend.
[He's too raw for the comment about a child - even indirect, completely unrelated and Sheehan couldn't possibly know - not to make him react, just a little. His grip shifts on the glass, white-knuckled, and he forces himself to put it down gently so he doesn't try and shatter it.]
Well. [It's not light, but it's dry, an empty humour he clearly isn't feeling.] I sort of assumed any goodwill I might have had with you got very resoundingly shot down after our last discussion. You keeping your distance didn't exactly prove otherwise.
[He tilts his head as he watches. There's small signs - Arthur's clearly having a reaction, but Sheehan doesn't know to what. He cant put the pieces together, and that's frustrating.]
Because of what you told me about the woman?
No, detective. That - that was something unfortunate that happened, but you made the best choice you could have in the moment. I don't blame you for it and I certainly don't think any differently of you.
[He lifts his hand to rub his face. His mood makes the heavy weight of his useless left hand frustrating today, and he tries to let it out in a long, heavy sigh.
Let's just rally. He can do that much. Sit up straight and put his poker face back on.]
Well, doctor. Despite my own self interests, I do find you a scintillating conversation and more than pleasant company - and that's not even mentioning the fact I've already put life and limb on the line for you, quite readily.
[It's a subtle reaction again, but there's no missing it when there's nothing else to look at. A tightness around his eyes as he glares at the bottle with unseeing eyes, a tight press of his mouth as his nostrils flare with his quiet, bracing inhale that does nothing to steady his trembling hand, so he folds his arms instead, tightly knotted as he rests his elbows on his knees.]
You remind me of him.
[It's a reluctant admission, heavy with the weight that brings, sharp with the threat that pushing won't yield.]
The way he.-- the way he used to present himself, to others. To make himself... palatable. Unobtrusive, harmless. All... all smoke. No fire.
[He sets his glass down again. Light on the table, but with purpose.]
You make it sound like a bad thing.
[Offered with no judgment or offense. Nothing but concern and space to continue if he wants. Sheehan's still hurt, now very confused, but direct questions, he knows, will only cause Arthur to shut down.]
I am most myself with you, detective. More than I am with almost anyone. [His quiet times with Crozier feel most authentic, but they rarely talk. It's not the same.]
[Arthur is silent and still for a few seconds. Mental scales always weighing up what it's worth admitting, and what he owes.
Until finally he lets a slow breath out, and sits slowly up again.]
And I am honest with you, doctor. But there is... [His face tilts slightly, looking away if he'd had the sight for it.] There are parts to me that I will not share. Not then with Parker, not even now with John.
[Things that he did share, and got used against him. Things he's ashamed of, still hurts for, things he should and does regret and things he refuses to.]
That you can't tell me and you think I want to know?
I want to know you, detective. Plainly. And I'm pretty damn sure I have a good picture of that, despite how tightly you hold back.
[He refills glasses, takes a drink.]
You're abrasive. Cutting. You use anger as a first line of defense, but that's only because you're hurt. I knew that before you told me.
But you're fiercely loyal. Caring. Stubborn as a fucking mule.
I don't need to know your traumas to know you, Arthur Lester. In fact, I'd rather you tell me only what you're comfortable with. I'm not your damn doctor, but I'd really like to be your friend.
[That gets a quiet chuckle - he can hardly protest the accuracy of all of it - but it's the first sound in a while that hasn't come out tinted with bitterness.
Because it does finally feel like tension he hadn't noticed building has leeches from his shoulders a bit, and he leans to pick up his drink again.]
You can't half tell I'm used to people pushing for it all, can you.
[But it's only dry, not cynical, and this time he only takes a sip rather than finish the drink.]
Of course. Because there's an instinct to fix it. That helping means prying the truth from a person like you're cutting out a cancer.
[He huffs.]
Some of my....colleagues are like that.
But I don't want to fix you. If I get to that point, then I've fucked everything up.
I want to have a drink with you. I want to tell you about my goddamn day. I want you hear what weird bullshit you have to explain to John.
I want to tell you about my patients and the pretty nurse who I know makes my coffee with extra sugar because she likes me. I want you to tell me more nonsensical stories because you enjoy my reaction.
I don't want to avoid the hard shit just because it's hard, but not every talk has to be like that.
[A part of him hates that he immediately thinks of Parker. How they fell into the routine of all that sort of thing just by existing, that he hadn't needed to ask. It just was.
And Arthur didn't fully realise how desperately he yearned for that small piece of himself.
He loved John, but there was always that faint edge of him learning, always some new facet of humanity to discover. It wasn't a bad thing, Arthur enjoyed it, but it wasn't the same. And God forbid Dorian ever miss an opportunity to slip his mad trials into a conversation.
He missed being normal. How sad was that, in its own way.
So he levels a smile at his doctor, soft and genuine.]
Frankly, Sheehan, I'm not sure there's something I'd enjoy more with you than that.
[He's glad Arthur can't see how brightly he smiles at the sound of his name. A wash of relief, like a cold shower, hits his chest and he lets out a breath.]
Good. Now. Have another drink and let me tell you about Molly.
[He refills for both of them, though the intent is less to escape and more to enhance.]
Now. Arthur. This nurse was a knockout. Bright red hair. The cutest damn freckles you've ever seen. A laugh like a siren call. I swear to God, I nearly asked her out right then and there. But doctor - nurse. You know how it is...
I thought I'd be alright, but then she started offering to bring me my midmorning coffee.
[It's easy to feel how fast the remaining tension vanishes from the room, and when he's been refilled Arthur settles more into the couch and finally lets himself fully sink into the moment.]
Should I be praising you for your restraint or smacking you for not taking the opportunity? She certainly seems like she was just as much after your attention, too.
You're supposed to admire my restraint! We were on an island. What if I had shown her what a complete disaster I am in relationships? She would have nowhere to go. I would have nowhere to go.
[He laughs, crossing his legs and sitting back.] Besides, the coffee was very good and I know better than to gamble with that.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. [His grin widens, broad and shit-eating, as he lifts his glass in a small cheer.] But a halfway decent coffee could make celibates of us all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 12:40 am (UTC)[He takes a drink.]
Then I realized I got exactly what I wanted and - well, it didn't feel good.
I know you've been alone. And I know - I know what you said about John. How he hurt you when you opened up to him.
I don't want to hurt you, detective. If keeping me at a distance helps you, then I can respect that.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:02 am (UTC)I don't want you gone, doctor, I just don't want you dead. It's a rather unfortunate trend for people I end up caring about.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:04 am (UTC)I've already died once, detective. And it was no one's fault but my own.
So.
If that's the price of being your friend, then I think I've already paid it.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:09 am (UTC)[He doesn't want to continue the topic. He can't risk it turning back towards her. But a part of him wants to protest and rail against the fact that Sheehan thinks he's safe liking Arthur.]
Parker died because of me. He trusted me and I- I failed that. Completely.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:12 am (UTC)[He stares into his glass, not looking up. Not expecting an answer.
This fucking dance just goes on and on. It was fun at first. It was predictable in the way that it stalled. Now, though?
Now Sheehan is tired]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:20 am (UTC)Because I opened John's fucking book. Because he used me to- [he picks up the drink, just holding it for a moment.] -to get rid of Parker. The last thing my only friend saw, w-was me-- killing him.
[He lifts his drink, visibly hesitates for a moment, but knocks the entire thing back again.]
It's not about you, doctor. [His tone slows, emphatic and even.] I can't lose anyone again.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:26 am (UTC)He still vividly remembers Parker's face. He remembers that carefree smirk. The easy way they were together.
It makes his chest ache to think of what might have been running through his head as he was killed.]
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry that happened to him. [Only sincerity.]
It is about me, detective. Fearing loss is one thing. That's - after what you went through, that's to be expected. The guilt you carry about it only compounds that. It - I don't begrudge you that. And I'm not a child. I'm not going to insist that you be my friend.
But. You're not giving me a choice in the matter.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 01:57 am (UTC)Well. [It's not light, but it's dry, an empty humour he clearly isn't feeling.] I sort of assumed any goodwill I might have had with you got very resoundingly shot down after our last discussion. You keeping your distance didn't exactly prove otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 02:02 am (UTC)Because of what you told me about the woman?
No, detective. That - that was something unfortunate that happened, but you made the best choice you could have in the moment. I don't blame you for it and I certainly don't think any differently of you.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 02:59 am (UTC)Arthur just snorts.]
Right. Sure.
[He lifts his hand to rub his face. His mood makes the heavy weight of his useless left hand frustrating today, and he tries to let it out in a long, heavy sigh.
Let's just rally. He can do that much. Sit up straight and put his poker face back on.]
Well, doctor. Despite my own self interests, I do find you a scintillating conversation and more than pleasant company - and that's not even mentioning the fact I've already put life and limb on the line for you, quite readily.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 03:01 am (UTC)[He stares at the table, pouring another glass for himself. He leaves the bottle between them.]
Then tell me what you want. What you're comfortable with.
Tell me an actual, goddamn truth, detective.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 03:19 am (UTC)You remind me of him.
[It's a reluctant admission, heavy with the weight that brings, sharp with the threat that pushing won't yield.]
The way he.-- the way he used to present himself, to others. To make himself... palatable. Unobtrusive, harmless. All... all smoke. No fire.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 09:30 am (UTC)You make it sound like a bad thing.
[Offered with no judgment or offense. Nothing but concern and space to continue if he wants. Sheehan's still hurt, now very confused, but direct questions, he knows, will only cause Arthur to shut down.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 09:39 am (UTC)I suppose that depends. Is there a fire I should be watching for from you, or are you just blowing smoke up my arse?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 09:43 am (UTC)I am most myself with you, detective. More than I am with almost anyone. [His quiet times with Crozier feel most authentic, but they rarely talk. It's not the same.]
That's the full truth.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 10:01 am (UTC)Until finally he lets a slow breath out, and sits slowly up again.]
And I am honest with you, doctor. But there is... [His face tilts slightly, looking away if he'd had the sight for it.] There are parts to me that I will not share. Not then with Parker, not even now with John.
[Things that he did share, and got used against him. Things he's ashamed of, still hurts for, things he should and does regret and things he refuses to.]
I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 10:07 am (UTC)That you can't tell me and you think I want to know?
I want to know you, detective. Plainly. And I'm pretty damn sure I have a good picture of that, despite how tightly you hold back.
[He refills glasses, takes a drink.]
You're abrasive. Cutting. You use anger as a first line of defense, but that's only because you're hurt. I knew that before you told me.
But you're fiercely loyal. Caring. Stubborn as a fucking mule.
I don't need to know your traumas to know you, Arthur Lester. In fact, I'd rather you tell me only what you're comfortable with. I'm not your damn doctor, but I'd really like to be your friend.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 10:28 am (UTC)Because it does finally feel like tension he hadn't noticed building has leeches from his shoulders a bit, and he leans to pick up his drink again.]
You can't half tell I'm used to people pushing for it all, can you.
[But it's only dry, not cynical, and this time he only takes a sip rather than finish the drink.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-04 10:35 am (UTC)[He huffs.]
Some of my....colleagues are like that.
But I don't want to fix you. If I get to that point, then I've fucked everything up.
I want to have a drink with you. I want to tell you about my goddamn day. I want you hear what weird bullshit you have to explain to John.
I want to tell you about my patients and the pretty nurse who I know makes my coffee with extra sugar because she likes me. I want you to tell me more nonsensical stories because you enjoy my reaction.
I don't want to avoid the hard shit just because it's hard, but not every talk has to be like that.
What do you say?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 01:21 am (UTC)And Arthur didn't fully realise how desperately he yearned for that small piece of himself.
He loved John, but there was always that faint edge of him learning, always some new facet of humanity to discover. It wasn't a bad thing, Arthur enjoyed it, but it wasn't the same. And God forbid Dorian ever miss an opportunity to slip his mad trials into a conversation.
He missed being normal. How sad was that, in its own way.
So he levels a smile at his doctor, soft and genuine.]
Frankly, Sheehan, I'm not sure there's something I'd enjoy more with you than that.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 01:35 am (UTC)Good. Now. Have another drink and let me tell you about Molly.
[He refills for both of them, though the intent is less to escape and more to enhance.]
Now. Arthur. This nurse was a knockout. Bright red hair. The cutest damn freckles you've ever seen. A laugh like a siren call. I swear to God, I nearly asked her out right then and there. But doctor - nurse. You know how it is...
I thought I'd be alright, but then she started offering to bring me my midmorning coffee.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 02:09 am (UTC)Should I be praising you for your restraint or smacking you for not taking the opportunity? She certainly seems like she was just as much after your attention, too.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 02:14 am (UTC)[He laughs, crossing his legs and sitting back.] Besides, the coffee was very good and I know better than to gamble with that.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-11 12:15 pm (UTC)This is better. No more pretense. No more dancing. Just an actual friendship.
There's still a knot, centered right behind his ribs, but it doesn't hurt the way it did before. It's an easier burden to bear.]
But you aren't wrong about coffee. I still have my press I told you about. Gonna need it tomorrow if I have any more to drink.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: