"Stop what?" he wonders, aloud, wanting them to go over it again. If they could go over it every day so he could reassure him of the facts, then he will.
The flat look that Sheehan receives in return to his question is so very done. It's like he had this way of irritating him enough that he feels like he has to answer, so that he can convince himself he's not going insane.
"Look...we both know what this is, why do I have to say it out loud? Or do you get some weird, satisfaction when I admit shit I'd rather forget exists at all?" If he doesn't say it, he can file this conversation away and not think about it ever again. Well. Maybe not. Sheehan knows more. Again. And he's not going to forget that.
But he most certainly won't forget it if he says, "being afraid doesn't help anything, so if I just ignore it, it doesn't exist. Why can't you just let me do that? Why does it even matter?"
"You're angry," he remarks lightly. "You know I don't like making you angry or upsetting you, Hanna." Sheehan has taken worse hits, but it does still sting. He likes Hanna, appreciates him, and things said in anger still have effects.
"Yeah, well you're pretty good at wiggling your stupid fingers right under the skin." He says quietly, staring at the bottom of the boat.
Again, he doesn't really like this feeling, sitting in it, being uncomfortable, riled up with a cage around his frustration. Some of it manages to ooze out of the holes in the chain links, but at the very least it hasn't broken out in a good long while.
"I'd say it was a talent, but you went to school for it and got that fancy degree so it was earned."
Hanna glances up, raising an eyebrow at the other man. He doesn't want to, isn't sure what good it would do, but... if it got him rowing again, if he would let it go, maybe he could. Though really, he knows if it ever comes up again they'll just be having the same conversation.
Teaching Hanna anything usually comes in at least threes, and the deep seated habits and beliefs he's settled into over the years would be much harder to pry loose, but perhaps it's because of that, that he gives in. Or it's because in the dawn light, Dr. Lester Sheehan's hair was a little lighter, making the slight resemblance Hanna had clocked even closer to what he remembered of Grant Cross before he'd died.
"I'm...afraid." He starts quietly, unable to shift much. It almost looks like Hanna might be making eye contact, but he's only half managed, gaze settled somewhere around his shoulder instead. "You're going to learn more, decide it's too much, or I'm crazy, or something, and then you'll just be gone. That's how it goes."
There it is. Sheehan isn't happy about this; healing is never easy for the one who is hurt. But he is here. And he is not going to leave.
"That's how it has gone until now," he says with a nod. "And that's awful, Hanna. I'm sorry that's happened to you. Sometimes it is helpful to apply past experiences to what you're facing now, but in some cases, you have to look at the most likely explanation for what you're feeling."
"It's fine...you don't have to feel sorry for me." Is almost immediate because sometimes hearing sympathy can sometimes get twisted into something else when he's not paying attention.
"I can recognize where it comes from." He says in a way that makes it obvious that while he knows he doesn't spend much time thinking about it. "I just don't think it helps, drudging it up."
"I don't pity you," he tells him, almost automatically. "This isn't a pity thing. And it does help. Running away only gets you so far. I know it's hard to trust, but I want to know more because I care about you. I care about being your friend. And I'm not going anywhere."
"Sure," he doesn't sound convinced, because there's still stuff he doesn't know and it's easy to stumble into.
"I think you could easily be my friend without all the background knowledge, but...okay. I'm not going to tell you to stop caring." And there is some part of him that likes it, the gentle leading, even if he wants to drag his heels along.
As he starts to row again, Hanna attempts to relax, feeling a little too exposed, so he figures now is the time to turn some of that around before they get to the shore.
He chuckles, warm and genuine. "No. You'd think I would be, but I'm not. I'm looking forward to it. It's - not as if we can get married at home."
Which was part of the reason why he wanted to do this. Why he brought up the marriage in the first place. This is the only place they will have something like this, open and unafraid.
The topic shift does it's work, Hanna's shoulders dropping, catching Sheehan's eye again as he speaks to him.
"Yeah...and that doesn't change for- well? A pretty long time." For Hanna, it hasn't happened yet in the states, or at least federally, though he hasn't really thought about getting married much. "A bummer you have to jump backward...but at least a whole boat full of people who love you get to know, and I hope that's enough to make no one getting to know where you settle hurt a little less."
"Oh shit...I didn't even think about that." He wonders what that would be like, experiencing it from the outside.
"You've got the knowledge though...man. what do you even do when you know what's probably going to happen?" He doesn't really think that would be a great position in, especially if people just ignored him if he brought secret information to the table.
"Probably for the best, not getting involved though. Someone might think you were a double agent or something stupid."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-11-24 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-24 06:19 pm (UTC)"Look...we both know what this is, why do I have to say it out loud? Or do you get some weird, satisfaction when I admit shit I'd rather forget exists at all?" If he doesn't say it, he can file this conversation away and not think about it ever again. Well. Maybe not. Sheehan knows more. Again. And he's not going to forget that.
But he most certainly won't forget it if he says, "being afraid doesn't help anything, so if I just ignore it, it doesn't exist. Why can't you just let me do that? Why does it even matter?"
no subject
Date: 2024-11-24 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-24 07:11 pm (UTC)Again, he doesn't really like this feeling, sitting in it, being uncomfortable, riled up with a cage around his frustration. Some of it manages to ooze out of the holes in the chain links, but at the very least it hasn't broken out in a good long while.
"I'd say it was a talent, but you went to school for it and got that fancy degree so it was earned."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 01:12 am (UTC)"So - would you say it? Aloud? I want you to be able to hear it. I think it will help you."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 01:17 am (UTC)Teaching Hanna anything usually comes in at least threes, and the deep seated habits and beliefs he's settled into over the years would be much harder to pry loose, but perhaps it's because of that, that he gives in. Or it's because in the dawn light, Dr. Lester Sheehan's hair was a little lighter, making the slight resemblance Hanna had clocked even closer to what he remembered of Grant Cross before he'd died.
"I'm...afraid." He starts quietly, unable to shift much. It almost looks like Hanna might be making eye contact, but he's only half managed, gaze settled somewhere around his shoulder instead. "You're going to learn more, decide it's too much, or I'm crazy, or something, and then you'll just be gone. That's how it goes."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 04:28 am (UTC)"That's how it has gone until now," he says with a nod. "And that's awful, Hanna. I'm sorry that's happened to you. Sometimes it is helpful to apply past experiences to what you're facing now, but in some cases, you have to look at the most likely explanation for what you're feeling."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 11:53 am (UTC)"I can recognize where it comes from." He says in a way that makes it obvious that while he knows he doesn't spend much time thinking about it. "I just don't think it helps, drudging it up."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 12:05 pm (UTC)He takes the oars and starts off again.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 01:43 pm (UTC)"I think you could easily be my friend without all the background knowledge, but...okay. I'm not going to tell you to stop caring." And there is some part of him that likes it, the gentle leading, even if he wants to drag his heels along.
As he starts to row again, Hanna attempts to relax, feeling a little too exposed, so he figures now is the time to turn some of that around before they get to the shore.
"Are you nervous? About getting married I mean."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 02:03 pm (UTC)Which was part of the reason why he wanted to do this. Why he brought up the marriage in the first place. This is the only place they will have something like this, open and unafraid.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 02:12 pm (UTC)"Yeah...and that doesn't change for- well? A pretty long time." For Hanna, it hasn't happened yet in the states, or at least federally, though he hasn't really thought about getting married much. "A bummer you have to jump backward...but at least a whole boat full of people who love you get to know, and I hope that's enough to make no one getting to know where you settle hurt a little less."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 02:51 pm (UTC)"Just glad I won't have to go to war again," he says softly. "I'm too old for it now, and I'll be too old still when they hit Pearl Harbor."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 04:27 pm (UTC)"You've got the knowledge though...man. what do you even do when you know what's probably going to happen?" He doesn't really think that would be a great position in, especially if people just ignored him if he brought secret information to the table.
"Probably for the best, not getting involved though. Someone might think you were a double agent or something stupid."
no subject
Date: 2024-11-25 04:32 pm (UTC)He is going to stock up. He might be paranoid. But he's going to make sure that everyone he loves is safe.