Abel pulls his legs up onto the couch, tucking them tight to his chest and stares at his knees as he talks. It's easier if he doesn't look up.
"I've always had a rather vivid imagination. I think it felt safe, staying in my head because no one had to know what I was thinking. It helped, especially after I realized I was gay, since I didn't have to tell anyone, but I could imagine what it would be like without acting on it." He tightens his grip around his knees, resting his chin on them.
"My father's platform was rather conservative, so I couldn't come out without some kind of scandal. He said it would ruin his career, not that he approved anyway. But as I got older it started being more than just imagining holding someone's hand, I- I would see men around me and I wasn't exactly picky. I would fantasize about what it would be like to sleep with them, all the time. I never acted on it, even after I enlisted and was practically anonymous with the code name, it...didn't feel safe, but when I got assigned to Alexei he-" Abel takes in a breath, staring a hole into his pants.
"He came onto me, and I'd never had anyone express interest before. I felt like if I didn't, it would never happen, a-and I was desperate and lonely. But ever since then, I... I can barely bring myself to say no if someone asks, and the fantasies haven't let up at all. But I tried this last week, putting my foot down with the Cat King, but he just kept asking. It should be easy, it's one word, but... I couldn't keep it up."
And now here he sits, ashamed of himself and desperate for some kind of help because he can't honestly say he should continue to work as he has been if he can't make some kind of change now that someone who probably shouldn't knows.
Sheehan breathes in a little, letting out a soft sigh as Abel continues. It's not a pleasant story, but it's one that he has seen a dozen times or so before.
"I'm sorry that happened to you," he tells him genuinely, softly. "Can you tell me a little of how you're feeling right now? As you're telling me this and reliving it?"
He wants to laugh, because that always makes him feel uncomfortable when Malcolm asks that same question. "A little sick, honestly. Like I shouldn't have, o-or afraid that you're going to turn around and start warning people away from me." He knows that isn't quite rational, but it's a thought that runs through his mind often.
"I- I don't... I haven't stopped feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself since he left." And like usual once the moment was over, his clear mind was flooded again with thoughts, regret, shame, fear. It hasn't exactly been a good week.
"Abel, I'm going to tell you this and I want you to hear me. The moment you put your foot down, the moment that you expressed any sort of hesitation, was the moment that should have stopped. It is one thing to have urges and feelings that you can't exactly tamp down on. And I am more than happy to talk that out with you. But this moment that you told me about? With the Cat King? That is not your fault. And again, I am so, so sorry that it happened to you." He sits forward but does not reach out for him. He's simply focusing on him, giving him his full attention.
Abel sets his jaw, teeth clenched tight as he tries to accept what Sheehan is saying. It had taken him months of talking about what happened and thinking about how he was going to go about getting justice for the victims of Project Thebes, but he'd only just started counting himself as one of them. That what happened wasn't his fault.
"I don't want to feel like a victim." It's an extremely hard thing to swallow. "I knew better and I did it anyways."
"I know," he says softly and considers pressing, then decides to let Abel take the lead on it. "So do you want to keep talking about what happened with the Cat King, or do you want to address the overall issue of sex? What are you ready for?"
Abel tries his best to not make a face, pretty sure he should have been expecting that kind of follow up. Therapy never works like he wants it to.
"I can't exactly trust myself to say no if the Cat King comes around again, or if I'm not careful someone else with worse intentions will find out I'm easy and take advantage of it..." It isn't like it hasn't happened before. He'd been ignoring red flags from Cain for a year before someone finally made him choke on it.
He lifts a hand, petting Alex as a distraction, "when I got here I originally planned to just keep to myself, because I wanted to learn how to be by myself again, but...I didn't even last a week before I slept with someone just because they asked. I didn't even know him, and I shouldn't have...but every boundary I've tried to put up I've stepped over. Thankfully that never bit me in the ass...but I got too comfortable."
"There's nothing wrong with liking sex," Sheehan tells him. "There's nothing wrong with having a lot of sex, if you want it. But if you're doing it because you're trying to fulfill another need, you may end up with the feelings of shame and guilt afterwards. That's what I'm hearing from you. Is that close?"
"It's really difficult for me, clearing my mind? The only thing I've found that consistently manages to is sex, though it doesn't last as long as it used to." Everything comes flooding back so quickly.
"I was using sex specifically to do that for a while, because it didn't mean anything, but...I don't really feel great afterwards when that's all it is."
He hesitates a moment before pushing forward. This is necessary, it will be fine and what he says here can only help, not hurt him.
"Where I'm from genetic modification is common on Earth, less common on the colonies. It's done in utero, and can affect appearance, health and immunity, but the brain and cognitive function is able to be enhanced as well."
He runs his fingers through his hair, taking in a deep breath before letting it out. "Unfortunately, despite the benefits I tend to get...not stuck, but when you can think that fast, or about multiple things at once, if the train of thought is negative that just tends to end with a lot of anxiety and catastrophizing. It's not always like that, like I said, I spend a lot of time fantasizing, but when it's quiet, and all I can focus on is how I feel? That part of sex is just as desirable as the rest of it."
He doesn't understand; how could he? But he does understand how the brain works and how anxiety can spiral into catastrophe.
"So you've found a way to focus your body to drown out the anxious spirals," he says with a nod. "Which that relief can be - addicting, as well. I'm curious, Abel, I'm sure you've tried grounding before. How successful has that been?"
He isn't sure he is consciously focusing anything but the pleasure has a way of drowning out everything else. He can agree that he craves that some days.
"Grounding as in...meditation? I'm not exactly familiar. Honestly Malcolm has just been trying to get me to practice breathing exercises so I don't pull all my hair out when I'm stressed. Its a bad habit..." He can't say he's the easiest person to convince to change his mind either.
"The breathing can help a little. I've never tried meditation. I already sit alone with my thoughts for hours every day, it doesn't actually help anything that I'm aware of. Usually it just makes it worse." But he could also be doing it wrong, he isn't sure.
"This is a different kind," he explains. "I don't want you to focus inward on your thoughts. I want you to try and think outward. What your senses tell you. What your body tells you. Not your head."
"I'm getting there," he smiles, not at all put off by it. He's glad that Abel at least seems interested in it. Sheehan doesn't have to sell it so hard.
"This first one is when you feel yourself spiraling into anxiety or overthinking. I want you to focus on a random part of your body. Your big toe on your left foot. How's it doing? What's it doing? Is it comfortable? Does it feel scrunched up against your sock?"
Abel tries very hard to not scrunch up his nose as Sheehan walks him through the exercise. He isn't sure about this, but he'll bite.
"D-do you want me to tell you? Or am I doing it in my head?" He feels a little silly already, so he hopes it's the second, but can be talked into doing the first.
He sees that look and smiles. "I can walk you through it this time, but you have to slow down your thoughts to match my words. Sometimes that's easier to do when you say it aloud."
"That's what we're trying to work on," he reminds Abel. Making things easier like this.
"Alright. Let's start low and work our way up. Close your eyes and focus everything you have on your feet. Your right foot. Your right toe. What does it feel like right now?"
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 07:55 pm (UTC)"I've always had a rather vivid imagination. I think it felt safe, staying in my head because no one had to know what I was thinking. It helped, especially after I realized I was gay, since I didn't have to tell anyone, but I could imagine what it would be like without acting on it." He tightens his grip around his knees, resting his chin on them.
"My father's platform was rather conservative, so I couldn't come out without some kind of scandal. He said it would ruin his career, not that he approved anyway. But as I got older it started being more than just imagining holding someone's hand, I- I would see men around me and I wasn't exactly picky. I would fantasize about what it would be like to sleep with them, all the time. I never acted on it, even after I enlisted and was practically anonymous with the code name, it...didn't feel safe, but when I got assigned to Alexei he-" Abel takes in a breath, staring a hole into his pants.
"He came onto me, and I'd never had anyone express interest before. I felt like if I didn't, it would never happen, a-and I was desperate and lonely. But ever since then, I... I can barely bring myself to say no if someone asks, and the fantasies haven't let up at all. But I tried this last week, putting my foot down with the Cat King, but he just kept asking. It should be easy, it's one word, but... I couldn't keep it up."
And now here he sits, ashamed of himself and desperate for some kind of help because he can't honestly say he should continue to work as he has been if he can't make some kind of change now that someone who probably shouldn't knows.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:04 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry that happened to you," he tells him genuinely, softly. "Can you tell me a little of how you're feeling right now? As you're telling me this and reliving it?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:16 pm (UTC)"I- I don't... I haven't stopped feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself since he left." And like usual once the moment was over, his clear mind was flooded again with thoughts, regret, shame, fear. It hasn't exactly been a good week.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:22 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:31 pm (UTC)"I don't want to feel like a victim." It's an extremely hard thing to swallow. "I knew better and I did it anyways."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:35 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-12 08:41 pm (UTC)"Which ever can help me feel like I'm not going to make a terrible mistake when I leave this room, preferably. I- I don't know."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 01:51 am (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 02:49 am (UTC)"I can't exactly trust myself to say no if the Cat King comes around again, or if I'm not careful someone else with worse intentions will find out I'm easy and take advantage of it..." It isn't like it hasn't happened before. He'd been ignoring red flags from Cain for a year before someone finally made him choke on it.
He lifts a hand, petting Alex as a distraction, "when I got here I originally planned to just keep to myself, because I wanted to learn how to be by myself again, but...I didn't even last a week before I slept with someone just because they asked. I didn't even know him, and I shouldn't have...but every boundary I've tried to put up I've stepped over. Thankfully that never bit me in the ass...but I got too comfortable."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 03:00 am (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 03:12 am (UTC)"I was using sex specifically to do that for a while, because it didn't mean anything, but...I don't really feel great afterwards when that's all it is."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 03:29 am (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-13 03:44 am (UTC)"Where I'm from genetic modification is common on Earth, less common on the colonies. It's done in utero, and can affect appearance, health and immunity, but the brain and cognitive function is able to be enhanced as well."
He runs his fingers through his hair, taking in a deep breath before letting it out. "Unfortunately, despite the benefits I tend to get...not stuck, but when you can think that fast, or about multiple things at once, if the train of thought is negative that just tends to end with a lot of anxiety and catastrophizing. It's not always like that, like I said, I spend a lot of time fantasizing, but when it's quiet, and all I can focus on is how I feel? That part of sex is just as desirable as the rest of it."
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 12:50 am (UTC)"So you've found a way to focus your body to drown out the anxious spirals," he says with a nod. "Which that relief can be - addicting, as well. I'm curious, Abel, I'm sure you've tried grounding before. How successful has that been?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 01:19 am (UTC)"Grounding as in...meditation? I'm not exactly familiar. Honestly Malcolm has just been trying to get me to practice breathing exercises so I don't pull all my hair out when I'm stressed. Its a bad habit..." He can't say he's the easiest person to convince to change his mind either.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 05:33 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 05:37 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 06:06 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 06:09 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-14 06:13 pm (UTC)"This first one is when you feel yourself spiraling into anxiety or overthinking. I want you to focus on a random part of your body. Your big toe on your left foot. How's it doing? What's it doing? Is it comfortable? Does it feel scrunched up against your sock?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-16 05:51 am (UTC)"D-do you want me to tell you? Or am I doing it in my head?" He feels a little silly already, so he hopes it's the second, but can be talked into doing the first.
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-16 06:52 pm (UTC)Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-16 06:55 pm (UTC)"I...guess go ahead, I'll repeat after you?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-16 07:05 pm (UTC)"Alright. Let's start low and work our way up. Close your eyes and focus everything you have on your feet. Your right foot. Your right toe. What does it feel like right now?"
Re: Audio - forward dated to the 15th
Date: 2025-02-16 07:24 pm (UTC)"It's just there...if I focus on it too much I feel the urge to press it down into the floor to make this less boring, more engaging."
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