[Shaw sits herself down on Sheehan's couch for one of her regular appointments, but doesn't say anything immediately. She's quiet and still, clearly mulling something over, the way she is when she's figuring how to broach an issue.]
[She insists again, curling her fingers around her water glass.]
I mean, anything emotional. A friend of mine said he didn't buy that I didn't feel things, because I don't act like someone without emotions - and I realized he had no idea how much of those actions were things I was doing on purpose, not as an instinctive result of something I felt.
Not that kind of swooping feeling. The kind I get when I know I'm going to disappoint somebody.
[He had, she thinks, been expecting a certain type of answer; "Are you excited about your wedding?" is a question that's practically rhetorical. But she doesn't think she could have given the expected, normalized answer without faking it, without displaying the correct reactions on purpose.]
That I'm excited for paintball. And I kinda am. Paintball's exciting. Weddings aren't. That doesn't mean I don't want to do it or that I'm not looking forward to it, but-- he should've asked Root. She would've been able to give him the answer he wanted.
Feeling nervous is normal before a wedding. It isn't something that you usually express to someone who isn't a close friend, true, but anxiety, fear, feelings of trepidation - those are all valid.
That some part of it will be disappointing to her. Or that she'll disappear or they'll wake me up before it happens. But I'm also relieved that I have a plan, and it's one that I like, because I was a little worried it'd all feel too unnatural for me and I'd just be putting up with it for her. I don't mind doing stuff that doesn't come naturally to me for her benefit, but doing stuff I hate for her benefit seems... wrong. And she wouldn't want me to do that, either.
It's difficult to change perspectives. People can imagine what it's like to live without a sense. They struggle to imagine what it's like to live without innate knowledge of their own feelings.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-09-26 02:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-09-26 03:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-09-26 03:08 pm (UTC)Most people have no idea how much I fake it. And by "it", I mean basically everything.
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Date: 2023-09-26 03:12 pm (UTC)What have you been faking recently?
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Date: 2023-09-26 03:25 pm (UTC)[She insists again, curling her fingers around her water glass.]
I mean, anything emotional. A friend of mine said he didn't buy that I didn't feel things, because I don't act like someone without emotions - and I realized he had no idea how much of those actions were things I was doing on purpose, not as an instinctive result of something I felt.
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Date: 2023-09-26 03:27 pm (UTC)But that sounds really exhausting.
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Date: 2023-09-26 04:02 pm (UTC)[She says, her eyes flicking up to the ceiling as she tries to bring back the physical sensations the conversation had brought up.]
A small swooping in my stomach when B asked if I was excited about getting married.
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Date: 2023-09-26 04:05 pm (UTC)Good. That swooping sensation certainly sounds like excitement. Like you're dropping from some place high?
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Date: 2023-09-26 04:14 pm (UTC)[He had, she thinks, been expecting a certain type of answer; "Are you excited about your wedding?" is a question that's practically rhetorical. But she doesn't think she could have given the expected, normalized answer without faking it, without displaying the correct reactions on purpose.]
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Date: 2023-09-27 01:03 am (UTC)So what did you tell him?
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Date: 2023-09-27 01:22 am (UTC)That I'm excited for paintball. And I kinda am. Paintball's exciting. Weddings aren't. That doesn't mean I don't want to do it or that I'm not looking forward to it, but-- he should've asked Root. She would've been able to give him the answer he wanted.
[Root is so, so excited. It's adorable.]
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Date: 2023-09-27 01:25 am (UTC)[He does agree that Root would be more excited about it, though.]
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Date: 2023-09-27 01:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-09-27 12:56 pm (UTC)[She says slowly, her brow furrowing.]
That some part of it will be disappointing to her. Or that she'll disappear or they'll wake me up before it happens. But I'm also relieved that I have a plan, and it's one that I like, because I was a little worried it'd all feel too unnatural for me and I'd just be putting up with it for her. I don't mind doing stuff that doesn't come naturally to me for her benefit, but doing stuff I hate for her benefit seems... wrong. And she wouldn't want me to do that, either.
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Date: 2023-09-28 01:38 am (UTC)Nervous is normal. You're doing something big. Making a big change.
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Date: 2023-09-28 01:55 am (UTC)[She trails off.]
It was just that one-two hit of two friends not understanding how off I am. Thinking about how put off they'd probably be if they did get it.
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Date: 2023-09-28 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-02 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-03 01:51 am (UTC)