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From:

cactusy

I don't--

[A pause. ]

Yes.

From:

heyboss

More benefit than not?

From:

cactusy

[Nearly an hour goes by before she answers - and when she finally does, her voice sounds flatter than usual, and miles more tired.]

I'm sick of living in fantasy worlds. I've had enough of that. If she's dead for good, if they recaptured me and the whole deal thing is just a lie that I was stupid and desperate enough to believe, I'd rather just stop thinking about her as much as possible. I'd rather put everything about her in a box in my head and lock it.

[She gives no explanation whatsoever of who "she" is.]

I'm so sick of not knowing what's real and what isn't.

From:

heyboss

[His response is immediate.]

It's exhausting to live like that.

Who's she?

From:

cactusy

Friend of mine.

[Very informative, Shaw.]

From:

heyboss

Of course.

A close friend?

From:

cactusy

Mmhm.

From:

heyboss

Is she your deal?

From:

cactusy

Yeah.

From:

heyboss

It seems like you don't want to talk about her.

From:

cactusy

I don't really know what to say. Is there a point in talking about her?

From:

heyboss

I think there is, but you're the one that would have to do the work. So it's up to you.

From:

cactusy

And what would that point be, Sheehan?

From:

heyboss

Might help. Might be no point.

From:

cactusy

I get why it would help other people.

From:

heyboss

But not you? Why not?

From:

cactusy

Personality disorder. I don't feel things right. A lot of this emotion-based stuff is lost on me, you know?

From:

heyboss

You feel things the way you feel things.

When you get angry, where do you feel it?

From:

cactusy

[She pauses again: not because she doesn't like or understand the question, this time, but rather the complete opposite. It's an appreciative pause.]

My stomach; my head. I know a pulsing forehead vein is kinda stereotypical, but--

From:

heyboss

It is, but it's not always right for everyone. What about when you feel sad?

From:

cactusy

I don't. Which isn't to say that things that make other people feel sad don't matter to me.

[The answer doesn't sound defensive, exactly, but it does sound rote, and a little weary: like something she's explained to people many times before, and often to skeptical effect.]

It just feels like nothing. Like emptiness.

From:

heyboss

Alright.

When you think about your friend, what do you feel? Where do you feel it?

From:

cactusy

Depends on whether I'm thinking about her being dead or her being alive. My stomach. My throat. My skin.

From:

heyboss

Stomach and throat and skin is different than stomach and head.

So if not anger, then what?

From:

cactusy

Sometimes calmness and stillness. Sometimes eustress and exhilaration. Sometimes emptiness. Sometimes-- this is gonna sound weird, but hunger. Literal hunger, like my stomach is empty and so I need to go fill it with food.