[He doesn't say that it's because his brain hadn't finished forming or that trauma impacts the mind, especially in childhood, and that manipulation of this kind is a Very Big Deal that was inappropriately sprung on him.]
It sounds like you were a victim just like Abel was. Not that it absolves you, but there is only so much guilt you can carry.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-11-19 02:34 am (UTC)I get it if you want to keep your distance after this.
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Date: 2024-11-19 02:36 am (UTC)I don't think differently of you.
You're a very young man who was given an impossible choice. You did what you thought was best.
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Date: 2024-11-19 03:39 am (UTC)I did what I thought would save my own ass.
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Date: 2024-11-19 03:43 am (UTC)[He doesn't say that it's because his brain hadn't finished forming or that trauma impacts the mind, especially in childhood, and that manipulation of this kind is a Very Big Deal that was inappropriately sprung on him.]
It sounds like you were a victim just like Abel was. Not that it absolves you, but there is only so much guilt you can carry.
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Date: 2024-11-19 03:51 am (UTC)I can't just pretend that I didn't
That I went through all of that and fucked around with Abel and the others and didn't know what I was doing
Maybe it was a shitty choice to have to make but I made it
[And thank fuck for autocorrect, because by the end of that he can barely see the screen.]
no subject
Date: 2024-11-20 01:55 am (UTC)I know they made you think that.
But you were not given a choice. Not really.
You might have known what you were doing, but would you have chosen the same way if the other choice was freedom?
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Date: 2024-11-20 01:58 am (UTC)If I didn't have to do any of it and they'd just let me go?
No, of course not. I wouldn't have done any of it.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:28 am (UTC)It's a forced choice, which is what people use when they want someone to do something and make it seem like it was their idea.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:33 am (UTC)I could have been nicer to him.
You've seen that scar on his lip, right? I did that. I did it to make sure everyone knew which navigator was mine.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:43 am (UTC)But it's exhausting to carry guilt you didn't earn.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:48 am (UTC)Maybe it wasn't all me. But saying I was put in a shitty position doesn't absolve me of responsibility for my actions.
I didn't even always feel bad about it. How fucked up is that.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:56 am (UTC)It makes sense.
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Date: 2024-11-20 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-20 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-20 03:04 am (UTC)I don't.
I'm not.
I'm just too good at pretending to be one.
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Date: 2024-11-20 03:35 am (UTC)I am sorry that you were made to act like one.
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Date: 2024-11-20 03:39 am (UTC)I think.
I don't know where to go with this now.
It would be easier if you were pissed at me.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 02:09 am (UTC)But there's nothing you need to do.
Do you still want to apologize?
no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 02:12 am (UTC)Yeah. I have to.
He deserves it.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 03:03 am (UTC)And don't worry about me.
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Date: 2024-11-21 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 07:21 pm (UTC)When are you going to talk to him about it?
It might help to give yourself a timeline.
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Date: 2024-11-21 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 07:34 pm (UTC)Now would be the moment to think.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-21 07:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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