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From:

inthebiblicalsense

I prefer to. [He feels it holds him more accountable than over the phone.]

Again, I don't have a preference, just privacy and my cabin is always available for that if I need it to be.

From:

heyboss

I can meet you at your cabin in a few minutes.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

I appreciate it, thank you.

[And because this is going to be a more regular occurrence, he's added him to the room filter.]

You shouldn't have to knock, if you stand outside the door the scanner will let you in.

From:

heyboss

He makes his way to Abel's and let's the door open for him, pausing a moment as he stares at the empty doorway.

"That's quite a trick."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Abel figured he might be impressed, thankfully looking far less stressed than he had the last time, on the couch.

"It's a bio-lock. Hard to fool, easy to use. I use the same system on my gun, less opportunity for an accident."

From:

heyboss

"Ah, I have something like that on my arsenal in my room. I'm the only one who can open it. But that was provided by the Admiral," he explains lightly as he strolls inside, aiming to sit in the same chair as before.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"The Admiral provided this, but...I was rather specific on what I wanted. I like when something makes sense for a reason other than 'it just does'." Which might be an indicator of some of the problems he's been having.

He actually had set coffee on the table this time, just in case Sheehan was too polite to ask for it and has a cup of his own(too much sugar with a little cream) that he's working on. "I've been trying that thing you taught me. I'm not sure it has helped much, but I've not given up on it yet...I think I'm being over reactive lately and it isn't helping me hold my temper..."

From:

heyboss

"It's not a quick fix," he reminds him, but he doesn't actually harp on that point. He just smiles. "What do you mean by over reactive?" he wonders and picks up the coffee but doesn't yet drink it.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"I've been incredibly frustrated with myself, and that doesn't help me maintain any kind of control. And when I talk to someone, if I feel like they should be reacting some way, and they aren't it just makes me angrier...I-" He huffs a soft breath, trying to not find that same frustration from earlier that morning.

"I had a difficult conversation with Alexei this morning, and I came into it knowing that he was going to be angry with me, but...all he gave me was calm, even though I could tell he was mad, it...didn't make any sense to me. I haven't done anything recently to deserve that, but then I told him that, and he was so confused."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan nods in understanding as things begin to make sense. Small quirks of Abel's that he's noticed.

"Tell me about that conversation. Not the details, of course, but - what you felt. What reaction did you expect?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

No details, he's not great at that. The details are what's important, it's justification and context, but he'll certainly try. "Well, like I said, I knew he was going to be mad to begin with, and I tried to go in without spending too much time walking through what he might say. I thought I needed to try something different, since we've been having trouble lately, and it's more or less entirely my fault." He stares into his cup as he talks, focus on the still slowly swirling liquid from when he stirred it.

"The more I tried to explain myself, I could see he was frustrated, but he was trying to be calm. A-and I felt confused, like maybe he was trying to trick me into letting my guard down, but the more I talked, the longer he did it, and then I felt like maybe he was trying to make me feel bad for being so worked up about it when he was calm...but that wasn't right either. Eventually I got so frustrated and confused I told him I didn't understand what was happening."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan nods, thoughtful, setting down the cup again. "Alright. I want to challenge your thoughts a little bit, okay?"

He's trying not to put his own experiences of Alexei into this now, since Abel is different. But he has a few ideas about why this is happening.

"What makes you expect anger?" he wonders. "Has he reacted in anger to something similar before?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

The question makes him slightly uncomfortable. He knows that Alexei is friends with Sheehan, and he'd been doing his best to leave Cain behind. Bringing it up with someone who might not know after he'd gotten on board felt wrong, and it's clear on his face as he sets his cup in his lap.

"I mean...he's been an angry person since I met him. A-and I understand he's working on it, he's made a lot of progress and I'm incredibly proud of him, but... I did something wrong. I keep failing at meeting expectations, I dont-" He catches himself, remembering what he'd said earlier, how Alexei responded.

"I've never not kept a balance, it's always been like that. Not that I think an argument has a winner or a loser, but the failure has to cost something. It's never not...and when I told him that, he was shocked. Like- like it was this weird, childish thing I was doing and I don't think I've ever even considered that other people didn't do that."

From:

heyboss

"It isn't weird and it isn't childish," he explains gently. "In fact, it's a very normal response sometimes to things that may have happened before. Why do you think that you need to have a balance like that? What's happened when you felt off balance?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Abel pauses a moment, he'd been thinking about it all day once Alexei had compared what he'd been doing to how he'd only ever argued when he was a child with his sister. The implied 'I grew out of it, why didn't you' felt a little pointed, made him desperate to want to explain but then, wouldn't that just be more excuses?

"If I keep a balance, it let's me know where I stand with someone...what I should expect when I speak with them next, the reasonable reaction." Or perhaps not so reasonable but justified given the accomplishments and failures all tallied up in his mind.

"I can't be disappointed if I've already set my expectations and it hurts less." But as far as what happens...

"Usually a lot of yelling, reminders of expectations not being met. Disappointment, disgust, taking privileges away... when it was too off balance it would be eerily quiet, or I would be ignored, not worth the effort until I caught up." He can't say all of that he saw in Alexei, but some of it he did or expected him to and got confused when he didn't.

From:

heyboss

It makes sense. All of it, even in that dysfunctional way. He sighs. "That sounds exhausting, Abel," he tells him gently. "To be constantly tallying up in your head. To be hyper-attuned to the small details in people's reactions."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"I don't even really consider it work any more...I just do it." It isn't extra labor, it's a process constantly running in the back of his mind, "unless I know I'm going to have a conversation like the one I had this morning...like I said though, I didn't give myself much time to walk myself through it, so...less time doing that work."

That doesn't mean he didn't at all, he'd had a full twelve or so hours between that he spent thinking about it since he hadn't wanted to bring it up to Alexei as he was going to bed, that didn't seem fair.

"I don't remember ever not doing that either...which is why I was so confused when he was surprised I was doing it." It never even occurred to him to bring it up because why would he? It was normal.

From:

heyboss

"Sometimes it takes an extraordinry measure to point these things out. Do you want to share what the discussion was?" he wonders.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"You mean it takes someone who isn't so dysfunctional to point out the dysfunction." He returns flatly, rather aware of the look Alexei had given him.

"I...had been keeping something important from Alexei that directly involved him. It's-" He frowns, not quite sure that Sheehan would understand but...he could certainly try. "Has Alexei mentioned anything to you about Project Thebes?"

From:

heyboss

Sheehan shakes his head. "I don't know, but even if he has, I would want to hear it from your side."

This isn't couples counseling. This is Abel's counseling. And Sheehan hates muddy waters.

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"That's not why I asked," he returns gently, "When he arrived, it didn't feel right to tell anyone our shared history without asking permission. I already told him he can tell who he wants and if he's told you, I don't have to make a call. That's all."

From:

heyboss

"I don't know," he repeats again. "He's never said that name to me, but he and I have talked rather extensively about his life."

From:

inthebiblicalsense

"Thebes was what Alexei was recruited for, if he's told you about his time in the Alliance then it's fine." He's not sharing major beats that Alexei hasn't already shared himself.

"The whole point of the project was to create a bond between navigator and fighter that would resonate with a piece of alien technology that allowed for instantaneous, untraceable teleportation. I didn't know the project existed for the entire year we were together, but Alexei did." That part is just facts, he's not exactly here to go through that again, but given how he's been feeling lately, maybe he should.

"That bond is what we were talking about this morning. Because as much as it needed me to have a strong, emotional attachment to Alexei, the device itself latched onto that attachment and altered my mind. I- I didn't want to tell him that even if we both know it's been destroyed, I can still feel it's influence when he is hurt or in danger, and I've been keeping that from him."

From:

heyboss

He nods along because that is what Alexei has told him, once upon a time. He leans back, his legs crossed as he listens.

"I can see why that would cause a lot of feelings on the matter. So - can you clarify for me why you thought he might be angry and upset if you told him that?"

From:

inthebiblicalsense

Abel sits for a moment, trying to piece together all of the reasons why, there are quite a few of them. "For one, he asked me to come to him first when I had problems that involved him before, and I didn't. I can go into the whole of why if you'd like me to, but...I figured he'd be upset, because I didn't know how much he knew it affected me, and I was...concerned. The thought was if I told him, he might question what part of how I felt was real, and what part of it was the jump drive compelling me to feel that way." Which is the simplest way he can put it.

Clearly he's struggling with summarizing, because he has to add at the end, "And lastly, I keep- This isn't the first time in the last few months I've had to confess something like this, made a mistake, and each one adds up. Or at least, I thought it did. I felt like I needed to be prepared to defend my case in the chance that this was the final straw and he might just leave..."