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Re: text; late night

[heyboss]

What's wrong?

Where are you?

[reargunner]

on deck. Port side

[He doesn't answer if he's okay or not because it took most of what he had in him just to say that much.

And he isn't easy to spot where he is, seated with his back pressed to the railing, knees drawn up and one hand dug up into his hair, but Sheehan can probably follow the sound of panicked, hitching breaths to find him.]

[heyboss]

[It takes him a moment to get up and get dressed, but he appears on deck and few minutes later, curls askew and in his house slippers, but least he's got trousers and a sweater on.

He finds Alexei almost immediately and kneels down in front of him.]

Hey. I'm here. Can you look at me?

[He keeps his voice calm.]

[reargunner]

[He's not actually sure how long he's been sat there. Thank fuck he had his comm on him at all when he'd normally leave it in a drawer back in his cabin.

His shoulders are rigid, one hand curled tightly into his knee while the other one holds on to a fist full of his hair. He has his forehead pressed hard to the inside of his raised forearm and though he does make a small movement - more of a twitch back and forth really - he doesn't look up.]

I didn't— [He takes a gasp of air in so quickly he almost chokes on it.] Didn't know— who I should call—

[heyboss]

I'm glad you called me.

[He moves forward.]

Listen to my voice, alright? Listen to how I'm breathing. You need to slow yours down.

Breathe with me as best you can, okay? In....and out again.

[reargunner]

[His grip on his hair tightens. He screws his eyes shut.

And he tries - he does - but it feels like he's suffocating. A distressed sound hiccups out of his chest.]

I can't—

[Fuck, fuck, fuck—...]

[heyboss]

Yes you can.

[He doesn't waver. Doesn't move.]

Try again. Breathe with me. In and out. Slow.

[reargunner]

[It's hard to focus. His head is spinning, he can feel sweat chilling on the back of his neck, his chest is on fire and he's sure he's going to throw up.

For someone who has issues with control, the entire thing is a complete nightmare.

He grits his teeth together and tries again. Breathing slowly is hard with how he feels like he can't exhale properly, but he presses his heels into the deck and he tries.

In— Out—

It isn't perfect by any means, but something eases. He grips fretfully at his knee, his knuckles turning white.

In... and out.]

[heyboss]

Good job, Alexei. Good.

[He models it for him, breathing in and out slowly.]

Count to four in your head before you let it out.

[reargunner]

[He hiccups.

He tries to follow the instruction, managing to register it through the ringing in his ears, and his chest burns almost too much to hold the breath for that long before he shakily lets it out.

Alexei manages another few breaths, still shaky and laboured but deeper, and that blood-chilling panic of not being able to get enough air starts to retreat. His grip on his hair loosens and his brow furrows, his forehead only resting on his arm rather than seeming to try to phase through it.]

Lester?

[Another hiccup. The forced slowness of his breathing wavers for a moment.]

I'm scared.

[heyboss]

[There he is. Sheehan keeps breathing with him until he can see him relax, and he settles down on the desk in front of him, prepared to stay.]

I can see that.

What's frightening you right now?

[reargunner]

[He's still not quite there, forcing his breathing to be steady in a way that is far more difficult than it is when he's trying to hold his temper during an argument, but he's at least breathing now and not just gasping for air while he feels like he's drowning.

There's a small hesitation before he answers.]

It's—... it's never been... this bad before.

[heyboss]

[He lets out a sad sort of breath.]

I see.

I want to make sure that you're alright before you start talking about it again. Feel your heartbeat right now. Keep breathing and wait for it to slow down. You are not dying, you are not drowning. You are scared, but nothing can hurt you right now.

[reargunner]

[He scrunches his face up slightly like he's annoyed, then sighs unsteadily and lets his hand drop out of his hair. Alexei pushes his back straight and leans into the railing behind him, resting his head against it with his eyes shut while he just... tries to pull himself together.

It takes a while. Probably not as long as it feels like it does before his ears stop ringing and his shoulders simply ache slightly from the tense way he was holding himself. He lets one leg slide flat, missing Sheehan by inches with the sole of his boot, then opens his eyes on an exhale.

He looks tired.]

[heyboss]

[Sheehan waits and he sits there, giving him modeling and guidance.]

Good. Good. Are you ready to talk about what happened or do you want to sit here a while longer?

[reargunner]

[Alexei inhales, holds it for a few moments, then lets it out.]

Nothing happened.

[He sounds as exhausted as he looks.]

Nothing—... nothing happened. I was having a smoke.

[heyboss]

Okay. What were you thinking about?

[He isn't going to push much, not when things are raw, but he's worried about the trigger.]

[reargunner]

It...

[He's about to say 'nothing', feeling a little irritable about having to think about it, but he bumps the back of his head against the railing and thinks back to where his mind had been at the time his chest had started to seize up.

He remembers what he was thinking about. Shakes his head.]

Nothing that should have... made that happen. Nothing bad.

[heyboss]

Alright.

[He doesn't press too hard now.]

You said it's never been this bad before. Does this happen a lot?

[reargunner]

[Sigh...]

Depends what you mean by 'a lot'.

[Yes, he knows he's being evasive. He rubs his face then pats at his jacket pocket for a cigarette.]

It happens sometimes. It's... [A frown.] I can normally throw it off. Or it just... lasts for a minute.

[heyboss]

What seems to trigger it?

[He takes out a cigarette and hands it over to him. He knows that pat-and-search maneuver.]

[reargunner]

[Blink. Oh. Cigarette.

He takes it.]

Thanks.

[And then, once it's lit and he's taken the first drag.]

Last time, it was... [Hm, how to say...] I was talking about some things back home. [He frowns.]

Sometimes I don't... realise something is bothering me until my ears start pounding.

[heyboss]

Okay.

You must be exhausted. Those attacks can be debilitating.

[reargunner]

[Alexei lets out a dry, shaky laugh.]

I just spent twenty minutes thinking I was gonna die. Yeah, I'd say 'exhausted' is a fucking word for it.

[heyboss]

[Sheehan smiles a little.]

Come on. Let's go back to my cabin. Arthur's up, I'm sure, so we can have some tea and you don't have to sit here on deck.