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From:

cameclosest

He might be mumbling something about how he might be surprised as he sits up more, holding his hand out with the index and middle finger extended, "if you have another, I'll take it."

He stopped smoking in 2003, but with how often people smoke on board, it was only a matter of time he picked it up again.

Edited Date: 2025-09-05 01:34 am (UTC)

From:

heyboss

"You sure?"

He does reach in for his pack, though, and his lighter.

From:

cameclosest

"It isnt like it can make me anymore dead than I already am. Of course I'm sure." And he doesn't think he deserves the second chance so why not?

He does sit himself up at the edge of the bed again, sucking his teeth before glancing at Sheehan, "and...I think you've probably known Stew is dead, so he can't get mad about it, even if he wanted to."

From:

heyboss

He lights his own cigarette before handing them both over to him.

"Yes, Doctor Varker, I had assumed, but - it seemed better to let you have that on your own terms."

From:

cameclosest

Varker takes his time lighting his cigarette, taking a long pull of it as if he hadn't stopped smoking for the past sixteen years.

He does cough a little, on the exhale, but it does help steady him a bit, "it was kind of you, to let me pretend." And he means that sincerely, "I didnt think I would smile like that, thinking about him again, but..."

He rests the heel of his hand on his knee, smoke slowly rising from his little cigarette, "that isn't why I need you to talk to Sokie for me...not the whole of it."

From:

heyboss

"It isn't, I know," he acknowledges softly. "Do you want to tell me the whole of it?"

From:

cameclosest

He has to wonder if Sokie had told him, about Steward, about his attempt she thwarted, but it doesn't much matter if she did or not.

"It would make your job of talking with Sokie much harder if I didn't. So I suppose I should." He takes another drag of his cigarette before nodding to himself. It never gets easier to talk about, but he cant deny it doesnt feel good to share.

From:

heyboss

Sheehan doesn't say anything. Sometimes it's easier that way. Sometimes the encouragement comes in those softer moments, when he doesn't have to actually speak a word. He just lets Varker get out what he needs to get out.

From:

cameclosest

"I think I mentioned before, but it became legal in California for same-sex couples to marry in 2013." His hands finds the comforter next to him, rubbing it between his fingers. "We'd been together over twenty years at that point, I didn't think it was necessary, but...Stew lit up when ever it came up. So, naturally I proposed."

He goes to take another pull from his cigarette before he changes his mind, staring at the floor, "our best friend, Simon was obviously going to be our best man. But...three months into planning, his son died in a fire. It broke the three of us, but...Simon, he- he unraveled. Mackenzie was his everything."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan flinches at that, but it's a deliberate move. He is letting Varker see him now because he isn't his psychiatrist. He's his friend.

And that is - horrifying.

"Did you ever start planning again?"

From:

cameclosest

"We tried. Once, maybe twice...but then Simon and his wife divorced. It happened so fast, it..." he goes to worry his lower lip with his teeth and managed to stop himself, not having broke himself of the habit now that his teeth were daggers.

"It scared me. They'd been together just as long, and if one moment could ruin it, I- I couldn't go through with it. So we were engaged...for six years. He still had the fucking ring around his neck when he died as if he thought maybe things would get better. But now we're both fucking dead."

From:

heyboss

"Doctor Varker..." he says with a sigh. "I'm very sorry. That is a lot to carry around with you."

He doesn't say anything else at the moment, just lets it sit for a moment. Let's that genuine empathy linger.

From:

cameclosest

Varker nods, taking the moment to finish off his borrowed cigarette.

"That unfortunately isn't even half of it. But give me a minute, it's...a lot to walk you through."

From:

heyboss

"I have all morning," he assures him.

From:

cameclosest

"If it would take me all morning to recount might as well just make another attempt." The implied 'on my life' remains unspoken as he rubs his face.

"Sorry, that isn't funny." He sniffs, glancing around to see if there was any place to put out his butt aside from his own hand.

From:

heyboss

There's an ashtray on the dresser that Sheehan hands to him.

"It isn't, but if making the joke helps you get to the art you want to say, then it's alright."

Edited Date: 2025-09-08 04:46 pm (UTC)

From:

cameclosest

He stubs the button out into it, setting it between them on the bed. "It's a bad habit I picked up from the interns, tends to put you off if you aren't familiar with their sense or humor."

Still, thats enough stalling. He can get into the meat of it, "anyways, Simon, he was always a very driven, aggressively passionate person. I told you about him threatening to burn a child's house down for bullying his son, yes?" He's sure Sheehan can guess what losing that child did to him, but...

"He wanted to bring Mackenzie back. Which, if I was anyone else, might think he was already insane, approaching me with a statement like that, but...in college I'd done that, brought a plant back to life, given it sentience, immortality." He shakes his head, "he became obsessed with it...and I watched that obsession consume what was left of him."

From:

heyboss

"You did."

And he can imagine how that would have consumed someone. Burned them from the inside.

He just lets him continue.

From:

cameclosest

Varker doesn't want to get into the details with Sheehan. About lying to Steward, seeing the alarming number of missing persons reports going up even for a large city like San Francisco for years, knowing they were connected to Simon somehow and drowning all of it, his responsibility, his friendship, his life in alcohol to avoid it.

The relevant parts didn't need that context, "I had refused to help him with what would amount to illegal, unethical human experimentation, but over the years, regardless of whether or not I thought I had saved myself from Simon's new hell, he dragged Steward and I into it anyways. It's...why I look like this, partially why Steward died, why I died. It wasn't just about his son any more. He wanted me to suffer, to understand what he went through." And while it hasn't been six years, it feels like it.

Grief has a way of slowing down the time, making is pass so painfully slow. "I...think I deserved it, but Stew? His life was cut short for the sole purpose of hurting me, and I...don't want to put myself in the position to continue to repeat the cycle, come full circle with anyone else. I need... space, or i feel like i might just come out the other side as changed and bitter as Simon was."

From:

heyboss

"No one deserves that, Doctor Varker, but - I know that's not something you and I can agree on now."

But he can't let that slide. He simply sits back in his chair. "So what does space look like for you?"

From:

cameclosest

He can appreciate Sheehan letting up on that point even if he still expresses his opinion. It isnt the point, even if maybe it is.

Varker stares at the floor, his fingers rubbing and bumping together anxiously as a much needed distraction. "I think I'm still finding it...but I don't want to be treated like im fragile. If I get mad, then I get mad, but maybe its just keeping in mind that my problems, the things that upset me are mine to look out for. A-and I don't want her to be overly considerate, to remove obstacles before I've even tried to climb over them. All it does is piss me off and make it worse, every time."

From:

heyboss

He nods. "I think that's a fair ask, actually," he assures him. "Do you want me to keep the details quiet when I speak with her?"

From:

cameclosest

Varker might be a coward but he does still enjoy being challenged when hes in the right place for it. It comes and goes much like inspiration, but its still there. Leaving him on the bunny slope just lets his mind wander too much, causes more problems.

"I don't care...im sure she would find out eventually anyways. Might as well be when I feel like ive given permission rather than not."

From:

heyboss

"I'm not in the habit of spilling secrets. But I will tell her to ask you about it directly."

Because he isn't going to let Varker be completely behind the scenes.

From:

cameclosest

Varker glances over at Sheehan, irritated that he won't just do it all for him, but knows better than to complain.

"I suppose that is better to hear it from me. She's smart at least, so I wont have to deal with her taking what ive said and running away with it like some idiots on board." Some people just want to believe he's a murderer and after a few attempts he's lost the desire to change their mind.