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From:

cameclosest

Does it matter?

[He is painfully aware of the fact that he probably isn't drunk enough to have this conversation as sincerely as he want to, knocking back the rest of his drink and folding down onto the table, pushing the empty glass Sheehan's way in the off chance that he takes pity on him and refills it.]

From:

heyboss

Yes.

[He takes the glass but is slow to refill it, holding it in his hand for a moment.]

From:

cameclosest

[He peeks up from where he buried his face in his arms, seeing what hes done and waiting a few moments to see if he'll give it back.]

I miss Sam.

[And perhaps his rule of sober sessions was helpful for the fact that Varker would spill his guts, knowing that when he was done he could have a drink. Here he's avoidant with the idea that maybe he wont be if he reaches some imaginary threshold.

That at some point he'll forget that his friend is his friend and stop protecting an imagine he finds important for the sake of progress.]

From:

heyboss

[He does after a moment of pouring.]

I know you do. I miss him, too.

From:

cameclosest

[His hand comes out from his pile of self on the table and pulls it back towards himself.]

I dont think I want to talk about this...at least not like we are, with you. I thought I did, but this isn't going to work how I want it to.

[He rubs his face against his forearm before finally sitting up and catching eyes with Sheehan.]

But maybe you can give my some advice instead, tell me whether you think Norton's direction is as clever and helpful as he thinks it is?

From:

heyboss

[Sheehan thinks a moment.]

Varker, it's - unethical for me to give you any sort of therapy. We're friends. I've had to do it before with others and only with very controlled and temporary circumstances.

[It's why he misses Sam.]

We're just talking. We're just friends.

From:

cameclosest

Yes, well I had been convinced I could come here and get that from you regardless and I've changed my mind. [Not just because it isn't something Sheehan would do, but because it isn't what he wanted in the first place.

That and trying to get it from him when he knows his stance on it isn't exactly something he's comfortable doing, even if he thought maybe he could be. He rubs his temples a moment before attempting a smile.]

The left over audacity of a man who could on a whim buy a god damn moon is a drug I think I'm still coming down from.

From:

heyboss

I'm glad you did.

[Because he really doesn't want to cross those boundaries. He's prided himself on being the sort of person who could be steady here. And he can't do that if he starts to go back on his morals.]

But - sometimes you don't know your own limits, hm? And it doesn't mean you can't tell me things and I can't give you advice.

From:

cameclosest

Not after a breach, no. Usually do without it but I'm a scientist. Limitations and boundaries exist to be pushed and broken. Confusing human boundaries with the currently known theories and proofs is a mistake I'll pin on the Admiral.

[He runs his hand through his hair, squeezing at the roots for a moment to try and ground himself before grabbing his glass and taking another drink.]

In any case, Norton thinks dancing with him will help, and while I have nothing against dancing, Im not sold that it will do much of anything against dysmorphia.

From:

heyboss

[There's an argument about ensuring that some boundaries are not broken or pushed, but he doesn't say that aloud. He just nods once.]

Have you tried it?

From:

cameclosest

[Varker is living testament to that, and while he isnt in the mood to argue its good that Sheehan doesnt take that bait.]

A few times now.

He's reminding me how to foxtrot. [And while satisfying a need for movement and being unable to grumble that it isnt fun, he isn't sure if its doing anything else.]

From:

heyboss

[He raises his eyebrows at that. Interested and impressed.]

And? What do you get out of it?

From:

cameclosest

Do you need lessons too, Doctor?

[He took ballroom for a few years with Stew, knows how to waltz better, though contemporary had always caught his interest, still frequented shows to see what people were doing. He felt too old for the club scene but at times he would go somewhere and watch people dance while he drank the night away.]

I don't know... obviously we have to touch, and you can't shy away from that. But it hasnt changed that I dislike how different that feels from when I had human skin.

[He's quiet a moment, swirling his drink and frowning at it before quietly adding-]

I miss casual touch, so I suppose it helps in that way, quiets the part of me that tells myself no one wants to touch me, that I'm not something to be touched.

From:

heyboss

With you or Norton?

[He doesn't let that question linger, though. He just nods.]

It's good then. You need to retrain your thoughts, Doctor Varker.

From:

cameclosest

[Varker rolls his eyes, keeps the comment that Norton would have to weigh the cost of dancing with a handsome married man against dancing with a psychiatrist to himself.]

I'm trying to. Even when I got here I tried, dressing myself as if nothing had happened. When you project confidence, it should help you feel it, even when it isnt there any more.

But I'm slipping.

From:

heyboss

It's not about confidence. It's about normalcy. The best grounding force is routine, but you can't really get that when you first get here.

But now, having been here a while?

[He looks at him, expectant.]

From:

cameclosest

[He doesn't think he agrees, finds that a good fit can protect you like armor, but then what he uses it for and what he says he does are two different things.]

I swim every morning, after I get up. Norton sleeps in like a lazy slob, so I usually don't have to bother with him until at least ten.

[He sucks his teeth before quietly continuing.] And then I go to work in office or from home depending on how I feel. [read: how drunk I end up getting] and those are the two constants.

Everything else is... well. I don't know. Plans fall apart too easily here.

From:

heyboss

Perhaps they do, but you can still stick to it. And once you have a semblance of a routine, it's something you can fall back on.

[He doesn't know for sure, but it's something that's worked. For him and others. Maybe it can help Varker. Or at least...not make it worse?]

From:

cameclosest

I do and I have, at least to that. The only time I didn't was when Vash was haunting the pool.

From:

heyboss

[A pause as he brings the glass up to drink.]

Haunting the pool?

From:

cameclosest

[Varker waves his hand dismissively.]

He worked there, gave me looks when I was in the pool, refused to look at me when I wasnt.

Complete asshole. [He doesn't miss him at all. Not one bit.]

From:

heyboss

Hm. Odd. I never had much interaction with him besides him trying to figure out what was behind that mask.

From:

cameclosest

[Varker sniffs, resting his chin in his hand.]

We kept getting into fights. I punched him twice, Audrey tried to drown him in the pool.

He had a bad habit of not fucking listening.

From:

heyboss

[He sighs at that. He hates to think of his friends fighting with anyone, but knowing that he was out there hurting him, getting into fights...it's upsetting.]

He had his own ideas.

From:

cameclosest

A fucking disaster dressed in good intentions.

[Varker's jaw clenches as he says so, watching the shark meandering in it's tank.

The urge to throw something so he doesn't get too emotional is rising, thinking about Vash and his stupid fucking face.]

I thought if I could change his mind, maybe I'd actually have some hope of graduating.