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From:

heyboss

Does it make your life easier to do that?

From:

cactusy

Just putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to think about my deal?

["Easier" feels like the wrong word. She has fewer issues with her chest and throat tightening up on her when she does her best not to think about Root being dead forever. But thinking about her - her imagined presence - had been a comfort both in captivity and on the Barge, and now that she's trying to excise that, the loss feels like sinking into a deep, dark, empty ocean, just like it had in the day between her death and the Admiral making his offer.

There's a quiet thunking sound from her end of the line.]

I don't know. I, uh, I-- yeah, I don't know. I can still do my job.

From:

heyboss

Maybe. But that's not what I asked.

Does living in the future, thinking about tye what if, planning for something that may not be true...does that make your life easier? Does that give your day to day any benefit?

From:

cactusy

I don't--

[A pause. ]

Yes.

From:

heyboss

More benefit than not?

From:

cactusy

[Nearly an hour goes by before she answers - and when she finally does, her voice sounds flatter than usual, and miles more tired.]

I'm sick of living in fantasy worlds. I've had enough of that. If she's dead for good, if they recaptured me and the whole deal thing is just a lie that I was stupid and desperate enough to believe, I'd rather just stop thinking about her as much as possible. I'd rather put everything about her in a box in my head and lock it.

[She gives no explanation whatsoever of who "she" is.]

I'm so sick of not knowing what's real and what isn't.

From:

heyboss

[His response is immediate.]

It's exhausting to live like that.

Who's she?

From:

cactusy

Friend of mine.

[Very informative, Shaw.]

From:

heyboss

Of course.

A close friend?

From:

cactusy

Mmhm.

From:

heyboss

Is she your deal?

From:

cactusy

Yeah.

From:

heyboss

It seems like you don't want to talk about her.

From:

cactusy

I don't really know what to say. Is there a point in talking about her?

From:

heyboss

I think there is, but you're the one that would have to do the work. So it's up to you.

From:

cactusy

And what would that point be, Sheehan?

From:

heyboss

Might help. Might be no point.

From:

cactusy

I get why it would help other people.

From:

heyboss

But not you? Why not?

From:

cactusy

Personality disorder. I don't feel things right. A lot of this emotion-based stuff is lost on me, you know?

From:

heyboss

You feel things the way you feel things.

When you get angry, where do you feel it?

From:

cactusy

[She pauses again: not because she doesn't like or understand the question, this time, but rather the complete opposite. It's an appreciative pause.]

My stomach; my head. I know a pulsing forehead vein is kinda stereotypical, but--

From:

heyboss

It is, but it's not always right for everyone. What about when you feel sad?

From:

cactusy

I don't. Which isn't to say that things that make other people feel sad don't matter to me.

[The answer doesn't sound defensive, exactly, but it does sound rote, and a little weary: like something she's explained to people many times before, and often to skeptical effect.]

It just feels like nothing. Like emptiness.