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From:

heyboss

And Sokie herself has trouble with jumping to the first terrible conclusion that she lands out and finding any way of confirming it.

He believes that much.

"So you'd like to...explain better?" he wonders.

From:

cameclosest

"No." He just wants her to know without having to say anything. He's never been great at it, not like this.

The kinds of conversations where you're supposed to be honest and delicate and risk so much just for having it.

"If I could I'd just fucking scrap the lot of it, but I can't keep doing this. Letting it be until it's died from neglect... I'd ask Norton to talk with her, but he's a god damn mess himself and fucking worse than I am with this shit."

From:

heyboss

"So you want me to talk to her," he says with a nod. "That's something I can do, but - can I give you some advice?"

It's actually the same exact advice he'd given Sokie, but he would never reveal what happens in a professional session.

From:

cameclosest

"Oh, how nice of you to offer, Lester." He says as if he had actually offered rather than guessed why he had come knocking at his door at six thirty in the morning.

His head does lift though, breathing in deeply before sighing, "what?"

From:

heyboss

He smiles through the annoyance.

"Take a few seconds before responding. Five seconds will feel like an eternity, but it may help."

From:

cameclosest

Varker stares at him and his smile, listening to his advice before he lets his head fall back down onto the mattress.

"I'm not sure that will help. I might go to give myself five seconds and blink. Suddenly it's five years and I've said nothing at all."

From:

heyboss

He tucks his hands under his chin. "And would that have made it better or worse?"

From:

cameclosest

"I suppose it depends. Its fucking pathetic, but better or worse...it depends on what Sokie would do in the absence of me. Best case scenario I've lost a friend for lack of trying."

From:

heyboss

"It's not pathetic," he assures him. "It's not. You are not pathetic."

From:

cameclosest

Varker runs his hands down his face as he takes a deep breath in, "that's brave of you to say without knowing the whole of me and my mistakes."

From:

heyboss

"No, it's a very simple statement to make when my threshold for pitiful is much higher than any person is able to meet," he responds as he takes a cigarette from his pocket.

From:

cameclosest

He might be mumbling something about how he might be surprised as he sits up more, holding his hand out with the index and middle finger extended, "if you have another, I'll take it."

He stopped smoking in 2003, but with how often people smoke on board, it was only a matter of time he picked it up again.

Edited Date: 2025-09-05 01:34 am (UTC)

From:

heyboss

"You sure?"

He does reach in for his pack, though, and his lighter.

From:

cameclosest

"It isnt like it can make me anymore dead than I already am. Of course I'm sure." And he doesn't think he deserves the second chance so why not?

He does sit himself up at the edge of the bed again, sucking his teeth before glancing at Sheehan, "and...I think you've probably known Stew is dead, so he can't get mad about it, even if he wanted to."

From:

heyboss

He lights his own cigarette before handing them both over to him.

"Yes, Doctor Varker, I had assumed, but - it seemed better to let you have that on your own terms."

From:

cameclosest

Varker takes his time lighting his cigarette, taking a long pull of it as if he hadn't stopped smoking for the past sixteen years.

He does cough a little, on the exhale, but it does help steady him a bit, "it was kind of you, to let me pretend." And he means that sincerely, "I didnt think I would smile like that, thinking about him again, but..."

He rests the heel of his hand on his knee, smoke slowly rising from his little cigarette, "that isn't why I need you to talk to Sokie for me...not the whole of it."

From:

heyboss

"It isn't, I know," he acknowledges softly. "Do you want to tell me the whole of it?"

From:

cameclosest

He has to wonder if Sokie had told him, about Steward, about his attempt she thwarted, but it doesn't much matter if she did or not.

"It would make your job of talking with Sokie much harder if I didn't. So I suppose I should." He takes another drag of his cigarette before nodding to himself. It never gets easier to talk about, but he cant deny it doesnt feel good to share.

From:

heyboss

Sheehan doesn't say anything. Sometimes it's easier that way. Sometimes the encouragement comes in those softer moments, when he doesn't have to actually speak a word. He just lets Varker get out what he needs to get out.

From:

cameclosest

"I think I mentioned before, but it became legal in California for same-sex couples to marry in 2013." His hands finds the comforter next to him, rubbing it between his fingers. "We'd been together over twenty years at that point, I didn't think it was necessary, but...Stew lit up when ever it came up. So, naturally I proposed."

He goes to take another pull from his cigarette before he changes his mind, staring at the floor, "our best friend, Simon was obviously going to be our best man. But...three months into planning, his son died in a fire. It broke the three of us, but...Simon, he- he unraveled. Mackenzie was his everything."

From:

heyboss

Sheehan flinches at that, but it's a deliberate move. He is letting Varker see him now because he isn't his psychiatrist. He's his friend.

And that is - horrifying.

"Did you ever start planning again?"

From:

cameclosest

"We tried. Once, maybe twice...but then Simon and his wife divorced. It happened so fast, it..." he goes to worry his lower lip with his teeth and managed to stop himself, not having broke himself of the habit now that his teeth were daggers.

"It scared me. They'd been together just as long, and if one moment could ruin it, I- I couldn't go through with it. So we were engaged...for six years. He still had the fucking ring around his neck when he died as if he thought maybe things would get better. But now we're both fucking dead."

From:

heyboss

"Doctor Varker..." he says with a sigh. "I'm very sorry. That is a lot to carry around with you."

He doesn't say anything else at the moment, just lets it sit for a moment. Let's that genuine empathy linger.

From:

cameclosest

Varker nods, taking the moment to finish off his borrowed cigarette.

"That unfortunately isn't even half of it. But give me a minute, it's...a lot to walk you through."