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From:

cameclosest

[Varker has to consider the question a moment. Its rather private, but he feels like if he asks for more privacy Sheehan will have a more accurate opinion of how much this is affecting him.

He opts for some attempt at nonchalance.]

I think a booth is more than appropriate. I'll meet you there?

From:

heyboss

Of course. I'll get the drinks.

[He isn't stupid. He knows that Varker shouldn't have alcohol, but he's going to get drunk either way. At least like this, Sheehan can keep an eye on him.]

From:

cameclosest

See you shortly, Doctor.

[Varker slips into the lounge in his usual, looking all for the world like he didn't have another post-breach break down in his trim suit pants and vest, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up in the usual way.

Finding a booth thats a little out of the way isnt hard, but he does sit on the edge of it while he waits for Sheehan. He might have said he was going to get the drinks but he may or may not be taking pulls from his flask while he waits.]

From:

heyboss

[Sheehan isn't stupid. He notices. But he sets the drinks down in front of Varker anyway, sitting across from him with a smile.]

From:

cameclosest

[he isnt about to attempt to insult Sheehans intelligence by subtly slipping it away, tucking it in his pocket as Sheehan sits.]

Thank you.

Did the breach treat you well? [He takes a healthy sip of his drink before setting it in front of him, swirling the glass lazily.] The powers that be decided I needed to be an old bastard, so I cant say mine did.

From:

heyboss

Well enough.

[He shrugs, picking up his drink without actually bringing it to his lips.]

I was John's brother. But - nothing terrible about it.

From:

cameclosest

[He spots an in there, resting an elbow on the table.]

How is that for John? Being human?

From:

heyboss

[He shrugs.]

I think it matters less to him than the connections he has. But he does find it an odd pattern.

From:

cameclosest

An odd pattern.

[Varker sucks his teeth a moment before sitting back in his chair and staring hard at the glass in his hand, focusing more on his hand than the drink itself.]

You know, I called the Admiral a few months back, begged him to put me under for the breaches, because I didnt think I could stand another week every few months where someone who is and isn't me takes for granted what it feels like to touch someone with normal, human skin.

And when I wake up everything feels wrong again.

If only we could all be as adaptable to change as John Doe.

From:

heyboss

It's hard to not compare yourself to other people, Doctor Varker, but John is a god with an impossibly long lifespan.

[Sheehan had shared that with John once upon a time, thanks to a flood. He knows what it feels like to be impossibly old. To feel the weight of the world, of time itself, on you.]

From:

cameclosest

I'm not unaware.

Doesn't make me feel any less jealous of him, or anyone really, who exits these things without feeling the need to shut themselves away to find equilibrium.

From:

heyboss

[He takes a slow drink.]

Literally or mentally shut away?

From:

cameclosest

Does it matter?

[He is painfully aware of the fact that he probably isn't drunk enough to have this conversation as sincerely as he want to, knocking back the rest of his drink and folding down onto the table, pushing the empty glass Sheehan's way in the off chance that he takes pity on him and refills it.]

From:

heyboss

Yes.

[He takes the glass but is slow to refill it, holding it in his hand for a moment.]

From:

cameclosest

[He peeks up from where he buried his face in his arms, seeing what hes done and waiting a few moments to see if he'll give it back.]

I miss Sam.

[And perhaps his rule of sober sessions was helpful for the fact that Varker would spill his guts, knowing that when he was done he could have a drink. Here he's avoidant with the idea that maybe he wont be if he reaches some imaginary threshold.

That at some point he'll forget that his friend is his friend and stop protecting an imagine he finds important for the sake of progress.]

From:

heyboss

[He does after a moment of pouring.]

I know you do. I miss him, too.

From:

cameclosest

[His hand comes out from his pile of self on the table and pulls it back towards himself.]

I dont think I want to talk about this...at least not like we are, with you. I thought I did, but this isn't going to work how I want it to.

[He rubs his face against his forearm before finally sitting up and catching eyes with Sheehan.]

But maybe you can give my some advice instead, tell me whether you think Norton's direction is as clever and helpful as he thinks it is?

From:

heyboss

[Sheehan thinks a moment.]

Varker, it's - unethical for me to give you any sort of therapy. We're friends. I've had to do it before with others and only with very controlled and temporary circumstances.

[It's why he misses Sam.]

We're just talking. We're just friends.

From:

cameclosest

Yes, well I had been convinced I could come here and get that from you regardless and I've changed my mind. [Not just because it isn't something Sheehan would do, but because it isn't what he wanted in the first place.

That and trying to get it from him when he knows his stance on it isn't exactly something he's comfortable doing, even if he thought maybe he could be. He rubs his temples a moment before attempting a smile.]

The left over audacity of a man who could on a whim buy a god damn moon is a drug I think I'm still coming down from.

From:

heyboss

I'm glad you did.

[Because he really doesn't want to cross those boundaries. He's prided himself on being the sort of person who could be steady here. And he can't do that if he starts to go back on his morals.]

But - sometimes you don't know your own limits, hm? And it doesn't mean you can't tell me things and I can't give you advice.

From:

cameclosest

Not after a breach, no. Usually do without it but I'm a scientist. Limitations and boundaries exist to be pushed and broken. Confusing human boundaries with the currently known theories and proofs is a mistake I'll pin on the Admiral.

[He runs his hand through his hair, squeezing at the roots for a moment to try and ground himself before grabbing his glass and taking another drink.]

In any case, Norton thinks dancing with him will help, and while I have nothing against dancing, Im not sold that it will do much of anything against dysmorphia.

From:

heyboss

[There's an argument about ensuring that some boundaries are not broken or pushed, but he doesn't say that aloud. He just nods once.]

Have you tried it?

From:

cameclosest

[Varker is living testament to that, and while he isnt in the mood to argue its good that Sheehan doesnt take that bait.]

A few times now.

He's reminding me how to foxtrot. [And while satisfying a need for movement and being unable to grumble that it isnt fun, he isn't sure if its doing anything else.]

From:

heyboss

[He raises his eyebrows at that. Interested and impressed.]

And? What do you get out of it?

From:

cameclosest

Do you need lessons too, Doctor?

[He took ballroom for a few years with Stew, knows how to waltz better, though contemporary had always caught his interest, still frequented shows to see what people were doing. He felt too old for the club scene but at times he would go somewhere and watch people dance while he drank the night away.]

I don't know... obviously we have to touch, and you can't shy away from that. But it hasnt changed that I dislike how different that feels from when I had human skin.

[He's quiet a moment, swirling his drink and frowning at it before quietly adding-]

I miss casual touch, so I suppose it helps in that way, quiets the part of me that tells myself no one wants to touch me, that I'm not something to be touched.